A chance judgement, skimming through the diaries of the masses, and today's theme of general procrastination (If I don't start I won't have failed yet) has led to me flicking through the recent past compulsively, searching for something I'd forgotten I'd even had once.

I think the masses call it happiness.

I mean I knew implicitly that it's been gone for quite awhile now, but all the same it feels like something I've just lost. And I hadn't realised how long I'd been swimming in misery; probably because I was too busy drowning in it to notice.

And so, yes, I'd like to stop feeling so bad now? I want to smile and laugh easily and hope.

I still don't know how to though. Just because I'm tired of lying lifeless on the ground waiting for the next blows to fall doesn't mean that I know how to get up even though I want to.

Such a mess over here. I'm thinking we just tape off the area around me and declare it a disaster area. All the king's horses and all the king's men...

Reading this diary as if I hadn't wrote it, I think wow how pathetic is this girl, and it's so clear that the reason she's struggling so much is because she doesn't want to be happy, she rejects it because she doesn't deserve it.

Formerly anorexic, occasionally thoroughly depressed, but always a masochist.

I start to wonder why there are any people left around me at all, don't you see what's coming? There's going to be more falling apart, even messier than ever, everything is going to go ker-splat! and there's a good chance goop will land on you.

Yes, beware the goop.

So feel free to run, take cover, save yourself, because it's too late for me now... and yes I did take my melodrama pills this morning thank you.

Go on without me, oh you would have anyway? Good, good.

The descent into sheer crazy is speeding up, soon things will be coming to a crashing halt, this isn't going to be pretty.

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