2003-06-09 - 11:35 p.m.
I have superjesus rock music playing and trashy romance novel awaiting me on the floor. This is good.
I have a total of 2200 words plus a stats assignment using SPSS needing to be done by Friday. This is not good.
Tarot cards predict momentary advantage, which probably refers to this moment in time right now. I don't know how to call that one, I could go the glass half empty momentary or the glass half full advantage but you know what, some things I'll just let lie.
You can take that in the lying down sense or in the perpetuating falsehood sense, I won't call that either.
'Cos I'm a fence sitter, because I know if I leave the fence for one side I'll immediately change my mind and try to get to the other side, which only leads to me hitting myself on the fence repeatedly. I'm no good at climbing them, this is why I sit, so that things can always go the other way and I can go with them without serious injury.
I'm wondering if the fence sitting technique is actually completely ineffective, maybe I should have just swung one way and stuck with it.
I'm not referring to anything in particular. Though swinging has certain unavoidable connotations.
Oh yes, I'm gay! I thought I'd come out and tell you that now.
No, not really, though in a way I kind of wish I was... then I could run entries along lines of "oh no! what will family think!" well maybe not oh no... I don't know. There would be coming out of the closet angst and that would be different from my normal garden variety angst and that would be good.
Oh god, look at me, I'm considering what other kinds of angst I'd trade in for, as if there is some kind of used angst dealership place.
Just in case there ever is may I remind myself that without doubt I'd trade in for girl(friend) angst, i.e. "does he still love me/think I'm fat/hate my hair/lust after his ex/did I do something wrong/etc. etc. etc."
So jealous of other people in my degree, no, not my degree, probably never my degree... the degree I want to be in. Because they seem to have neat little package lives. I mean, I'm sure there's much more to them than I see but for the majority of them to all extents and purposes they are in fact relatively goddamn neat.
Why can't I have that? Why? Am I a bad person? I must be. It's the psych theory of a just world, everybody secretly implicitly believes that the world is a just place and when something bad happens to someone you kind of rationalise to yourself that they must be a bad person, they must be, because otherwise the belief in a just world is challenged and you have to face the idea that bad things could happen to you no matter what you do, so it's easier to say, something bad happened because you are bad. So I am bad.
Bad bad bad. Okay, but bad.
Pitfalls of the momentary advantage - you end up back on the bottom no matter what you do.
But I'm okay. or better. just not fine. It's all in the semiotics.
I have a total of 2200 words plus a stats assignment using SPSS needing to be done by Friday. This is not good.
Tarot cards predict momentary advantage, which probably refers to this moment in time right now. I don't know how to call that one, I could go the glass half empty momentary or the glass half full advantage but you know what, some things I'll just let lie.
You can take that in the lying down sense or in the perpetuating falsehood sense, I won't call that either.
'Cos I'm a fence sitter, because I know if I leave the fence for one side I'll immediately change my mind and try to get to the other side, which only leads to me hitting myself on the fence repeatedly. I'm no good at climbing them, this is why I sit, so that things can always go the other way and I can go with them without serious injury.
I'm wondering if the fence sitting technique is actually completely ineffective, maybe I should have just swung one way and stuck with it.
I'm not referring to anything in particular. Though swinging has certain unavoidable connotations.
Oh yes, I'm gay! I thought I'd come out and tell you that now.
No, not really, though in a way I kind of wish I was... then I could run entries along lines of "oh no! what will family think!" well maybe not oh no... I don't know. There would be coming out of the closet angst and that would be different from my normal garden variety angst and that would be good.
Oh god, look at me, I'm considering what other kinds of angst I'd trade in for, as if there is some kind of used angst dealership place.
Just in case there ever is may I remind myself that without doubt I'd trade in for girl(friend) angst, i.e. "does he still love me/think I'm fat/hate my hair/lust after his ex/did I do something wrong/etc. etc. etc."
So jealous of other people in my degree, no, not my degree, probably never my degree... the degree I want to be in. Because they seem to have neat little package lives. I mean, I'm sure there's much more to them than I see but for the majority of them to all extents and purposes they are in fact relatively goddamn neat.
Why can't I have that? Why? Am I a bad person? I must be. It's the psych theory of a just world, everybody secretly implicitly believes that the world is a just place and when something bad happens to someone you kind of rationalise to yourself that they must be a bad person, they must be, because otherwise the belief in a just world is challenged and you have to face the idea that bad things could happen to you no matter what you do, so it's easier to say, something bad happened because you are bad. So I am bad.
Bad bad bad. Okay, but bad.
Pitfalls of the momentary advantage - you end up back on the bottom no matter what you do.
But I'm okay. or better. just not fine. It's all in the semiotics.
