2004-04-09 - 9:56 p.m.
I wrote the entry below this one yesterday, as in the time when all my troubles seemed so far away, and now it looks as if they're here to stay...
And though I have much, much more to add now, I can't bring myself to dent the thoughts past in order to make way for the current.
And besides - Jesus died for a whoooole race of stupid people today, so if anyone has a right to make with the whining, it sure isn't me.
I might just settle myself down for a stiff drink, or stiff chocolate biscuit at least.
Happy Day Some Dude Rose From The Dead And Walked Around And Was Seen By His Friends Who When They Saw Him Said "Duuuuuude!!" And Decided To Celebrate The Occasion Annually, Because They Are Dudes Who Like To Partay. Word.
*************************************************************
Yesterday...
I AM AN EMBEDDED CLAUSE.
Just another one in my series of not very pointful self-realisations.
I was sitting in linguistics and suddenly it all made perfect sense -- or perfect non sense at any rate -- the entire source of my life's current discontent.
I am an embedded clause! Sure I make sense in lots of different contexts, but when taken away from them I cannot stand up independently, I am just a bunch of meaningless words.
This idea is intruiging to me but not that valuable. Had I been in a cooking class at the time, I'm sure this entry would have been started off with:
I AM SPATULA!
(To which I would expect you all to reply ... NO, I AM SPATULA!)
This week has been blurry, un-notable except for the doing and handing in of 2 linguistics assignments. In them I've pitted Barbara-the-nerdy-I-want-to-do-this-right-girl against Barbara-frankly-my-dear-I-don't-give-a-damn. It'll be interesting to see who comes out on top, especially after all these years suspecting it's the latter. But that may just be because her expectations are lower, she is never disappointed , and when she does do badly she finds it pleasant proving that she is as bad as she thinks she is.
In a few hours I have an appointment with counsellor-man. It seems like I go back every 6 months seeking some new answer, though I never get it. I'm a bit afraid he will try to make everything about my mother - though I suppose in a way it is - but it's not a fixable way so I would rather the symptoms were treated rather than the problem being re-discussed.
Strange how much has happened, and simultaneously not happened, in six months. Had a job. Was in hospital. Got a purplish streak of hair. Father diagnosed with benign kind of skin cancer.
I may have neglected to mention that one earlier. It was nothing really, since caught early it's easily curable and so now he's fine and all. But it was a bit of a shock at first, to me anyway, to him it was all "Bah, I'm fine". I felt mainly a sense of relief, I'm glad I forced him to go. Accompanied with slight paranoia, what if they missed something, along with remorse, I wish I'd made mum go to a doctor sooner.
There's this other feeling that flies under my radar a lot... I miss her. I miss her being fiercely stubborn and arguing with me about everything. I miss her being independent and and in control. She was my role model, you know? Even though I didn't know it at the time.
Strange confused being in her place, who yells a lot and struggles to respond to questions and needs simple instructions to do things she used to know how to do and makes up things when she thinks she can get away with it and can't even sign her name or read the time and doesn't leave the house ever except for church.
But I'm not dwelling, noooo.
I look down on me for needing to say that here. I should be able to carry it, carry on, and sometimes I do, but mostly I don't.
And that's my fault, I just know it, though I haven't got the logic of how down yet.
Welcome to my rut, I hope you brought snacks.
And though I have much, much more to add now, I can't bring myself to dent the thoughts past in order to make way for the current.
And besides - Jesus died for a whoooole race of stupid people today, so if anyone has a right to make with the whining, it sure isn't me.
I might just settle myself down for a stiff drink, or stiff chocolate biscuit at least.
Happy Day Some Dude Rose From The Dead And Walked Around And Was Seen By His Friends Who When They Saw Him Said "Duuuuuude!!" And Decided To Celebrate The Occasion Annually, Because They Are Dudes Who Like To Partay. Word.
Yesterday...
I AM AN EMBEDDED CLAUSE.
Just another one in my series of not very pointful self-realisations.
I was sitting in linguistics and suddenly it all made perfect sense -- or perfect non sense at any rate -- the entire source of my life's current discontent.
I am an embedded clause! Sure I make sense in lots of different contexts, but when taken away from them I cannot stand up independently, I am just a bunch of meaningless words.
This idea is intruiging to me but not that valuable. Had I been in a cooking class at the time, I'm sure this entry would have been started off with:
I AM SPATULA!
(To which I would expect you all to reply ... NO, I AM SPATULA!)
This week has been blurry, un-notable except for the doing and handing in of 2 linguistics assignments. In them I've pitted Barbara-the-nerdy-I-want-to-do-this-right-girl against Barbara-frankly-my-dear-I-don't-give-a-damn. It'll be interesting to see who comes out on top, especially after all these years suspecting it's the latter. But that may just be because her expectations are lower, she is never disappointed , and when she does do badly she finds it pleasant proving that she is as bad as she thinks she is.
In a few hours I have an appointment with counsellor-man. It seems like I go back every 6 months seeking some new answer, though I never get it. I'm a bit afraid he will try to make everything about my mother - though I suppose in a way it is - but it's not a fixable way so I would rather the symptoms were treated rather than the problem being re-discussed.
Strange how much has happened, and simultaneously not happened, in six months. Had a job. Was in hospital. Got a purplish streak of hair. Father diagnosed with benign kind of skin cancer.
I may have neglected to mention that one earlier. It was nothing really, since caught early it's easily curable and so now he's fine and all. But it was a bit of a shock at first, to me anyway, to him it was all "Bah, I'm fine". I felt mainly a sense of relief, I'm glad I forced him to go. Accompanied with slight paranoia, what if they missed something, along with remorse, I wish I'd made mum go to a doctor sooner.
There's this other feeling that flies under my radar a lot... I miss her. I miss her being fiercely stubborn and arguing with me about everything. I miss her being independent and and in control. She was my role model, you know? Even though I didn't know it at the time.
Strange confused being in her place, who yells a lot and struggles to respond to questions and needs simple instructions to do things she used to know how to do and makes up things when she thinks she can get away with it and can't even sign her name or read the time and doesn't leave the house ever except for church.
But I'm not dwelling, noooo.
I look down on me for needing to say that here. I should be able to carry it, carry on, and sometimes I do, but mostly I don't.
And that's my fault, I just know it, though I haven't got the logic of how down yet.
Welcome to my rut, I hope you brought snacks.
