take your steps away with hesitance, take your steps away from me
2003-03-30 - 6:16 p.m.

Today I tried really hard to be normal and non-falling apart, it's as hard as it looks unfortnately.

I did well generally, but everytime my mother forgets something, or struggles for a word, or looks remotely unhappy, it hits that nerve in me which reminds me about everything.

But I tried. Life is still being a bitcah to my mother, her best friend's son (my godmother's brother) is having the major drama and of course it effects her.

I want to distract life's attention from her and back onto me, come on, pick on me for a change, and forget about her. As if life was intent on killing/destroying us both.

And well, maybe it is.

I've been on some bittersweet-sweetbitter happy melancholy today, I'm not sure what's with me... Listening to songs and thinking "How beautiful, I'd really love it if they played that at my funeral..." not in the way that I hope/expect death will be kidnapping me soon, but when it does come, I want music and just an eensy bit of fanfare-well.

I've been thinking about the things that would make me feel better, feel well enough to carry on as I should (and not as I am, no help to no-one) and here is a list, just so I can pile them together and have some things to hope for (even though they're mainly trivial, totally implausible and generally impossible, the idea of them makes me feel better okay?).

*a band of troubadours following me around for a whole day, singing all my favourite songs. And in the parts where they had to be quiet, they'd still mouth and mime the songs.

*the earrings/top/scarf I saw while window shopping the other day, I know I'm superficial but different clothes make me think that I could be different too.

*a 3unit maths reunion which I am sadly way too lazy to organise, to remind me of better days (when I so hated math... totally unlike now... oops, I think I spilled sarcasm on your sleeve there, careful) where my only problem was hating myself... those were the days weren't they?

*for the doctors to find out they've misdiagnosed everyone, no one is dying or losing their mind, and to apologise by sending us all on holidays for the rest of the year.

*for the god of transferring into a different degree to look upon me kindly and hand me my transfer on a silver platter right now.

*for Smart Guy to persue me so I can be the nonstalker in our nonrelationship.

*for my hormones to behave and not need me to go have that ultrasound, in fact, for them to behave so superbly that my dna is actually altered and I become attractive (prettier skin/smaller thighs/nose/etc.etc.)

*for my father to finally win the lottery like he's been saying he would all these years and buy me a new wardrobe... and an apartment and car to go with it.

*for my genes to remember that learning how to drive has actually been coded into them so I can be a good driver automatically.

*for taxiride to write a song about me and for it to be a lame but very catchy hit.

*for TLS to come back from gutter/gay island paradise/wherever and give me a freaking hug.

That's all. That wasn't so much was it?


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