something to weight that heavy heart
2005-04-10 - 2:01 p.m.

I was reading ti to the tho to the nus and it made me think about diaries, lines, and honesty.

At the end of the day, I can't tell you everything. It would take too long, some things are entirely pointless and uninteresting, a few subjects are just too private, and I'm also a little constricted by the nature of my audience. But I still like to think that, at the best of times, I'm straightforward and honest. I try not to bury the truth, I'd rather hold it out for all to see.

This isn't one of those times.

But I still need to say something, for my own sake. Pretend there is no context and let some statements stand alone, so I can look at them directly ... rather than letting them echo through me, thumping against my insides in that distinctly unpleasant way.

I'm anxious. I'm anxious because I need time to recover (blank) but I'm afraid there won't be any/enough. Time I mean. A little voice inside my head is telling me such things, because it only understands the past, and doesn't know how the future could be any different.

This makes me clench. And I'm not a clenchy person by nature; my muscles aren't used to the strain, and so they too are anxious. Damn self-perpetuating cycle.

But, I'm different, and I'm sure this counts for something. I just, have to wait and see. I will slam my eyes shut and peek out occasionally, and eat lots, and lots, of cheesecake.

The waiting game sucks. Let's play hungry hungry hippos.

There's something else. Heavier things. End of the last. I want to believe it, but I'm not sure I can, but I so desperately want it to be true. Though I know I will accept otherwise, I just... wish...

Sorry. I don't mean to alienate you out ... I just ... For today I need it.


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