2002-04-10 - 10:20 p.m.
More than a little melancholy passing through me right now, over and under me.
I have to wonder if I'm breathing it, it doesn't usually stay long but it always returns.
And it's not even that bitterly refreshing sense of misery that sneaks up on me sometimes and beats me up while I'm not looking ... it's more subtle than that, but I loathe it more because it reduces me even further into nothing.
It's not an emotion to weep for. It's one where you can never speak, all you can do is bathe in warm sunlight trying to block it out while listening to "Insatiable" on repeat.
It's weird how a high pitched, writhe-y love song complements the mood. I don't know.
I should be happy. I thought I failed my psych quiz but instead kicked butt. I should be upset. My philosophy paper is half the size it should be and it doesn't plan on expanding any time ever.
I should be something else, basically.
I think I know what it is, the unfamiliar environment of uni has ceased being appealing to me. Now it's just lonely ... like Year 7 all over again but worse somehow ... there's no-one being mean to you anymore, but at least when they were mean they noticed you were there.
I don't mean that. If I want to be noticed it's up to me ... you think my introverted type shyness would get over itself in this environment, but no, it just worsens somehow.
Today a panic filled event was answering a question in linguistics. I answered it because I got sick of waiting for someone else to do it ... and even though all I did was say the letter "d" the panic that rose within me has locked me out of trying to answer anything again ... for a month at least.
If I become any more internalised I shall combust ... so someone fix it now before you end up with all my major organs splat on the floor.
And you know ... you'd never get me out of the carpet.
No, I don't mean that. Not the carpet, the someone fix it remark. It's a me thing, I know that. It's a lack of confidence thing, I know that.
Do I believe in God? 'Okay,' would be my current answer. I don't believe in love. I don't believe in me. And there's nothing I can do to change ... I mean call me a pessimist but standing around being resolved on changing, isn't exactly a foolproof way of achieving it. In fact, it's definitely not foolproof - I'm a fool but even I can't prove it...
It was really startling to realise that even though my birthday is approaching that I'm still an adolescent, and just because the past was crappier doesn't mean this isn't crap.
Leaving now ... to try and sleep the shadows away.
I have to wonder if I'm breathing it, it doesn't usually stay long but it always returns.
And it's not even that bitterly refreshing sense of misery that sneaks up on me sometimes and beats me up while I'm not looking ... it's more subtle than that, but I loathe it more because it reduces me even further into nothing.
It's not an emotion to weep for. It's one where you can never speak, all you can do is bathe in warm sunlight trying to block it out while listening to "Insatiable" on repeat.
It's weird how a high pitched, writhe-y love song complements the mood. I don't know.
I should be happy. I thought I failed my psych quiz but instead kicked butt. I should be upset. My philosophy paper is half the size it should be and it doesn't plan on expanding any time ever.
I should be something else, basically.
I think I know what it is, the unfamiliar environment of uni has ceased being appealing to me. Now it's just lonely ... like Year 7 all over again but worse somehow ... there's no-one being mean to you anymore, but at least when they were mean they noticed you were there.
I don't mean that. If I want to be noticed it's up to me ... you think my introverted type shyness would get over itself in this environment, but no, it just worsens somehow.
Today a panic filled event was answering a question in linguistics. I answered it because I got sick of waiting for someone else to do it ... and even though all I did was say the letter "d" the panic that rose within me has locked me out of trying to answer anything again ... for a month at least.
If I become any more internalised I shall combust ... so someone fix it now before you end up with all my major organs splat on the floor.
And you know ... you'd never get me out of the carpet.
No, I don't mean that. Not the carpet, the someone fix it remark. It's a me thing, I know that. It's a lack of confidence thing, I know that.
Do I believe in God? 'Okay,' would be my current answer. I don't believe in love. I don't believe in me. And there's nothing I can do to change ... I mean call me a pessimist but standing around being resolved on changing, isn't exactly a foolproof way of achieving it. In fact, it's definitely not foolproof - I'm a fool but even I can't prove it...
It was really startling to realise that even though my birthday is approaching that I'm still an adolescent, and just because the past was crappier doesn't mean this isn't crap.
Leaving now ... to try and sleep the shadows away.
