2002-11-20 - 6:43 p.m.
My maths exam went quite badly, the margin of whether I passed or failed the exam and consequently the course (and hence whether I have to totally re-evaluate my life or not) seems to be very, very tiny.
I sat through the whole three hours (even though I usually leave after about 1) and fiddled and fiddled and gave loads of wrong answers on the theory that the marker could deem at least a few right things amongst the wrongness and give me enough pity marks to pass.
I walked out feeling shaken and also, nauseous. I called people, and haven't been by myself til now by some freak chance.
It's so weird, I start to think that I am a person but only in reverse. I am the kind of girl who walks into the exam peppy and happy practically giddy and walks out wanting to be dead. That's not the natural order of things now is it??
Oh well, if it turns out I failed maths and my current soca fail turns out to be beyond repair too I will just give up all those dreams of psych, and I don't know, be a linguist or some such.
It's too easy to let go of my dreams, I have so little faith in them and me that I know that the things I want I don't deserve so I won't even try to reach... reaching them would bring me little joy when I am really such a waste.
Learned helplessness crap. After you shock the puppy enough he doesn't try to get up anymore to avoid the pain, and such a pity because if he did he'd be free... freeeee....
I've had chocolate and assorted junk foods to the point where I don't feel so bad, well I feel yucky because "blergh, too much food" but this has mainly eclipsed the previous bad.
Smartguy was around. Sigh sigh. If I get the chance next year things will be different.
I will be different.
You don't believe in me and why should you? I don't either.
Screw the mope-fest this entry has become. I'm going to go lie on the couch while clutching my psych text warily.
I hope ... I don't know, I don't think I have hope in me so much anymore.
Drained, ever so. Someone give me the energy to move on... Be my breath so I can walk.
I sat through the whole three hours (even though I usually leave after about 1) and fiddled and fiddled and gave loads of wrong answers on the theory that the marker could deem at least a few right things amongst the wrongness and give me enough pity marks to pass.
I walked out feeling shaken and also, nauseous. I called people, and haven't been by myself til now by some freak chance.
It's so weird, I start to think that I am a person but only in reverse. I am the kind of girl who walks into the exam peppy and happy practically giddy and walks out wanting to be dead. That's not the natural order of things now is it??
Oh well, if it turns out I failed maths and my current soca fail turns out to be beyond repair too I will just give up all those dreams of psych, and I don't know, be a linguist or some such.
It's too easy to let go of my dreams, I have so little faith in them and me that I know that the things I want I don't deserve so I won't even try to reach... reaching them would bring me little joy when I am really such a waste.
Learned helplessness crap. After you shock the puppy enough he doesn't try to get up anymore to avoid the pain, and such a pity because if he did he'd be free... freeeee....
I've had chocolate and assorted junk foods to the point where I don't feel so bad, well I feel yucky because "blergh, too much food" but this has mainly eclipsed the previous bad.
Smartguy was around. Sigh sigh. If I get the chance next year things will be different.
I will be different.
You don't believe in me and why should you? I don't either.
Screw the mope-fest this entry has become. I'm going to go lie on the couch while clutching my psych text warily.
I hope ... I don't know, I don't think I have hope in me so much anymore.
Drained, ever so. Someone give me the energy to move on... Be my breath so I can walk.
