oh no, it's over, can I give you a call? we've come, so far, we can't climb over the walls
2005-03-17 - 11:33 p.m.

it's so cold and i'm so sleepy but i don't think i can face my bed. it is somehow accusatory. i love it and leave it, and leave it, and leave it. and it says, if i really loved it i wouldn't leave it there in the dark. alone.

and i tell it that it's just the way it has to be. i can't stay with it all day, I just can't. i have to go places that it can't follow.

it understands but ... it gets sad sometimes.

i don't think it can understand that i love it everywhere. no matter where i go or how far apart we are ... i carry a torch for it that makes the olympic cauldron look like a match. without these flames I couldn't even recognise myself, because they are a part of me that i...

pangs. panging is all. like a drum. pa-ang-pa-pa-pang-pang.

it's this weather. the sky dribbles raindrops and the wind blows them askew, misery kisses my ankles.

and i can't find anything to keep warm by. there is a fireplace in this room, but darling it's faux, and this seems somehow typical.

deceiving appearances and all that. underneath, things are not quite right. and i wish i was living a copy of everyone else's lives, i don't think their problems are necessarily smaller but at least i could say "me too".

because when she walks in and says "I, I can't find half my bra," and I tilt my head and say "you can't lose half a bra, it comes in one piece and latches together at the back," and she pauses and tries to unbutton her shirt and says "but this isn't what I sleep in," and I piece it together and say "are you looking for your pyjamas?" and she says "yes, yes I am looking for my pyjamas," and you find the pyjamas and then go back to whatever you were tap-tap-tapping...

it feels so loathesomely normal and abnormal all at once. it is strangely against your instinct to just accept it; it is a fight to swallow it as everyday-life, but you learn to do it, because you have to. but you have a feeling that as you blindly gulp it down it's serrated edges are leaving some marks.

it's so funny how after all these years and after how much all has changed, i still wish for a better kind of normal.

i think my grass is getting greener but sometimes i'm just too colour-blind to know up from down.

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