oh no I never meant to do you harm
2004-11-30 - 12:06 p.m.

Parents: can't live with them, can't kill them.

Today my dad gave a minor berating to me and my mother about how we're not a good family because we don't "talk". According to him, a good family would do things like - "sit around in the garden and have conversations like:
'Gee, those are nice flowers,'
'Aren't they just,'
'I bet we could come with some new and innovative ways to improve those flowers!' etc. etc.

Babs external response: Small embittered laugh of the "ha. ha." variety, followed by walking to the other side of the house, basically as far away as I could be from them without leaving our property.

Babs internal response: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you want us to TALK? I haven't even told you about breaking up with my boyfriend because I know you'll LAUGH, and I know I'll tell you to GO FUCK YOURSELF and then you'll tell me to GET OUT. So see, with my brilliant plan of never sharing anything with you again or speaking of anything meaningful, I'm actually preserving what little communication we have.

I've just tried and tried and tried so hard with him, with both of them actually, and at this point in time the collective party of Babs' is not interested in pursuing a good relationship. I'm worn out, okay? Babs, write this for me, Babs, call these people for me, Babs, why aren't you getting a holiday job yet, Babs, why don't you ever cook anything for us, Babs, you should cook, Babs, are you ever going to get a holiday job?, Babs, get a holiday job, Babs, go to sleep at night, Babs, it's not normal to go to bed when you do, Babs, go to bed when we tell you to, Babs Babs Babs Babs Babs Babs Babs!!! Live your life strictly as we tell you to, and we have to tell you to, because we think you're an idiot even though you're actually the most capable person in this household! Babs!

Can you here the ripping noises of me pulling hair out of my head over here?? Gah. Urgh. I should leave. But I have responsibilities. The other day I realised that if something happened to Dad, like if there was an accident or something, Mum wouldn't know what to do. He could die because she doesn't know how to use a phone and maybe wouldn't even think of going to neighbours...

Okay, that's paranoid, and probably not justification alone enough to stay. How about the fact that they've done everything for me? They really have. They worked so damn hard to give me an education, and this buys them an appropriate amount of slack. And my dad's dad and mum's mum died when they were both little, so they never had role models for their positions, so that's some more slack. And they've been great role models for me, in many ways.

On the other hand, they've also forced me into a lot of things I've hated. They may have loved me but they didn't raise me. They've unconsciously done their very best to completely undermine my self-esteem. And this list could go on and on and on and ... etc.

So maybe it all cancels out and I owe them nothing.

Nahhh, that doesn't feel right, though Counsellor has disagreed.

No, I can't leave. I'm just going to grow distant and put this whole side of my life on the periphery, maybe that would be okay? For now, surely.

Not that there's much else to my life at the moment. Twiddling my thumbs til the uni results come in and I can see how much I failed and figure out what to do. A bunch of chore like things that are listed but not attempted -- job getting, people to call, christmas to ready for, cleaning, laundry, blahhh.

Haven't been out since uni ended, out for fun out. Which means I haven't been out in maybe a month. I... don't know why this is so. Part of me says it's because I'm trying to make myself not afraid of being alone and thus by proxy not afraid of being abandoned. But I think that may just be my clever coverstory, when really it's like "this is what alone is like. get used to it." It's bad but not so bad, but bad, if you know what I mean. Reminds me of primary school... you know, I'd even forgotten I'd felt alone then.

I think I may be using 'alone' and 'lonely' a bit interchangeably. Hmm. But maybe it's moot. This time has been interesting but I need to get back on some kind of track... and hey, tomorrow I'll be out, meeting she who is ramonaliscious! Woot!

I don't even know what woot means! But it seems appropriate there.

And unrelatedly, the opening strains of coldplay fill my room and I just freeze, I just freeze.

Babs is fine. Hope similar or better terms apply to youse. xxx.

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