on sleepless roads the sleepless go, may angels lead you in
2005-02-01 - 4:11 a.m.

Babs to Brain: Oh look, it's February first! Isn't that April Fools' day?

Brain to Babs: No honey, I think that's in April.

What a fansmashtic start to a new month...

My sleeping patterns, as you can see from the above time and ensuing stupidity, are still notably warped.

I blame the recent discovery that my ibook has chess.

Yes, it perplexes me too. I hate mathy things, and yet (who knew!) I LOVE chess. Strangely, this is despite the fact that I haven't yet won a game. Keep in mind that I've played about 15hrs worth in the past 48hrs... that is how much I suck, which you'd think would be discouraging, but somehow... NO.

Instead, my philosophy seems to be thus:

If I lose enough, eventually I will learn enough to not lose.
> If I learn enough not to lose, then I will have gained the abilities which you need to not lose in chess i.e strategy, anticipation, a view of the wider picture
>>if I have these abilities, then I will be less prone to constantly making mistakes in my life due to lack of these abilities
>>> if I have less of these mistakes, then my life will be more with the happy! happy! joy! joy! happy! happy! joy! joy! well, you get the picture.

Thus I must learn chess... plus just because it taunts me so with my gigantic losing streak.

OH GOD. How uni student am I? On holidays I sit around and (try to) play chess. Oh the agony of partially adhering to a nerdy stereotype! Oh! Too nerdy to be considered part of regular society, yet not nerdy enough to be accepted by other nerds. I'm a social outcast on that stupid middleground...

Oh well, at least my life isn't boring.

Well, that was a horribly unconvincing segue, but anyway...

moral dilemma of the week:
* mother = sick = irrational = irrational requests
* me = rational(relatively) = refusing to give in to irrational requests = mother crying

See, I can't just give in to the irrational requests. It's okay occassionally, but since they are now frequent sometimes hourly I can't just do them all the time, they're always so trivial and unnecessary and if I bent that much I honestly think it would psychologically damage me.

But there's no way to stop her crying. Because she can't see that it's irrational and you can't explain irrationality to the irrational, I've tried every way I know how (humour, threats of violence, religion, role playing... I could go on and on), it just doesn't work.

And so there's nothing I can say to stop her crying, and I catch myself saying "Don't be so silly" and "Stop crying, there's nothing to cry about", which
(a) makes me feel callous and evil, and
(b) are ironically the exact same things my mother used to say to me when I was little. How circle of life-y....

These days I'm feeling more and more growed up which I think translates to being "confused as hell but very zen about it."

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