or is this need only mine?
2003-11-24 - 9:39 p.m.

Approximately 36 hours to my next and final exam. I've studied nada today, but I have over-eaten to the point of wishing I owned a stomach pump, so you know it's not like I haven't done anything today.

I need to break up with food. You don't satiate me for more than 2 seconds so let's just stop pretending. You can go see other people, preferably hungry ones, and I will punish myself via excessive exercise for holding onto you for so long.

The gym will be my new comfort food. And maybe I'll finally be able to stop having those fantasies where I imagine myself sitting on a butcher's weigh scale in my underwear, chewing on a chicken drumstick, as customers walk by and the butcher proclaims "You likea de nice thigh? we got good meat hehr, verrry nice, fleshhy, eh?"

Yes, I know normal people have fantasies about achieving their dreams or at least seducing someone cute but I don't seem to have the luxury of being that unrealistic...

Usually they have a death theme. I'm not boo-hoo life or anything; I just don't like... I don't like imagining things that don't have some chance of happening; and you know, death, that's the certainty.

So I don't have to worry about being disappointed after all the big imaginings that death will stand me up... that's a bit morbid isn't it. I just mean, I can't imagine good stuff, with this year it's just been too hard ... too risky to hope for good things.

Tis a far easier thing to depend upon badness then hope for something better. Coward's way out probably ... I'm working on it.

And so now to studying, or avoiding it more like, and so on and so forth.


<< >>