if you gamble everything for love you'll be alright
2005-01-29 - 12:10 a.m.

I don't have a job.
I don't do drugs.*
I don't have any dreams to aspire to.
I haven't moved out and might never.
I don't sleep around.*
I don't go out and get drunk on a regular basis.*
I don't have any hobbies.
I don't have a boyfriend.*
I don't have a girlfriend.*
I'm not travelling anywhere.*
I don't know how to drive.

The ones with asterisks individually don't bother me so much, since I don't actually want them, except to mark myself as something.

But as a sum they irk me beyond comprehension. I feel out of sync with everyone I know ... dude, my niece couldn't claim all those things.

Don't worry, she intends to give up the crack soon.

I've been tumbling the list over in my head for approximately a fortnight, and I just feel... disconnected from everything.

My life's not going to be like anyone else's, I know. And unfortunately I don't mean that in a "ohhie-ohhie-i'm-ever-so-special" way. I want the landmarks everyone else gets. Even the bad ones so that I know where I am and I can point it out on a map and say "I was there," and have someone chime "Oh, I've been there! What a dump, but how wicked was the cafe on the corner?!" etc. etc.

Yeah, I'm lost right now. If I was in a paper bag, not only could I not punch my way out of it, I could not even tell that I was in a paper bag. Stupid metaphorical and literal lack of navigational ability.

I can't think of a good finish to this, so let's end on a whimper (as opposed to a bang ... that comes later when I look back at the "troubles" of my youth and have to smack myself in the head repeatedly)

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