circulation of cerebrospinal fluid
2004-10-27 - 9:30 a.m.

I... I think I should issue a formal apology to myself. Among other people.

The last couple of days have been tough. I can't give a qualitative explanation, but can you trust me when I tell you, it's been hard to breathe? I was never a cat, I don't land on my feet. I am buttered toast, when I fall it's messy.

I think I regret not keeping the promises I made to myself months ago. For once I think I made the right decision, but I just didn't bother to stick with it.


So I'm a bit lost under the water at the moment, though I know I'll surface again at some point. Maybe in a week, or six.

I just don't know.

I don't know which path is the right one, and which is the wrong one, and this is distressing.

I could go away, but this might be the same as running away, even though my motives would lie in preservation more than cowardice.

I could stay here. But this doesn't sit well with self-sacrificing heart. But it won't leave ever, in a way. And it doesn't want me to go but is getting inklings that I should.

Far, far, away... I will trek in Tibet and start an orphanage where I will teach the children to be thankful for trees and goats and each other.

Shaky ground, I don't feel safe here. I hate not knowing what's coming.

But I have fingernails. And I'm pretty good at pretend. So maybe I'll just close my eyes and astral project til there's enough light to come back down to face this plane.

Til then I have uni assessments. You'd almost think they bore me some high degree of affection, the way they keep showing up repeatedly. I'll pretend the assessments have a crush on me and like to spend time with me because they think I'm a nice person. They'll look up at me with puppy dog eyes and tell me that I'm cute and I'll be grateful to them for helping me pass the time. I might even pretend that I return their affection, because sometimes I'll do whatever I have to to get by. But quietly I'll always dream of someone else, regardless of whether he's in my grasp or not.

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