and the two of them just kind of tear each other's hearts out
2005-03-01 - 11:14 p.m.

I feel stupid.

This has actually been a bit of a recurring theme as of late. I'm same old, relatively-happy-go-lucky, plain little me ... except for ... except for ...

These haunting, excruciating wisps of foolishness.

Not that profound moron-icity hasn't always been an intrinsic and even warmly accepted part of myself, but.

It's less than superficial level has taken to bothering me... abysmal naivety hurts, you know?

It requires maintenance via blind belief, and I'm not quite capable of that; full of burning, prickly seeds of doubt ... but I'm not doubtful enough to be cynical and nonbelieve-y. So I'm neither here nor there; I fight myself to cling to it, which is a kind of war in itself; but when it shatters, I still shatter too, and I get to hear all my own "I told you so"'s...

Extremely sarcastic hurrah for the worst of both worlds. Stuck on the middleground, once again, again. You know one of these days, I'm going to torch this place.

Idiot, idiot, idiot.

It's partially just an overwhelmed by uni vibe.
e.g. -- Brain to Babs: it's really NICE that you picked challenging subjects, it means you believe in yourself and such! But you do know you're screwed right?

Dumbarse, dumbarse, dumbarse.

I think I'm just fighting myself, on all possible levels.

It's tiring and pointless, because I can't win unless I beat myself... pun oh the pun.

Okay, I've bypassed the boundary of sense-land and wandered deep into the realm of "gee, what am I even talking about?"

And though it's all confusing, I'm pretty happy, in that strictly "nyah nyah ny-nyah nyah" tongue sticking out having fun doing a stupid dance sort of way.

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