2004-06-14 - 10:37 p.m.
Man, I'm pathetic, I'm like Angel, only not vampirish or good-looking or a creation of joss the god whedon or come to think of it, a man....
Where was I going? Oh yeah, he has his whole "mustn't-get-truly-happy!will-become-evil!" and today I have learned I share a similar constraint.
Anything over a 7/10 on the scale of happiness and at some point in the following 24hrs I end up going "Eeeeeeeekkk!! Crassssshhhhh-fizzle-fizzle-plop"
Metaphorically, obviously, as I haven't been stamped certifiably insane just yet.
Anyway, am in one of those interludes where nothing is enough. Nothing fills up that gap... I try to put myself in things but I just fall out... and I understand why people do bad things. I could do something bad now. How bad? who really knows.
I lost reason and all that remains is a taunting shadow of logic, bent but sensical.
5 am bedtimes and 3pm wake ups mean minimal daylight as of late, I don't think it's good for me.
Song on the radio: Killing Heidi. Flashbacks to hearing them play it live, such a different time then, convoluted but nothing like now. Present always outranks the past somehow.
too many boxes... too many people sharing my disorder, no strength in numbers, just grander delusions.
no new god to replace the old one, though I keep looking, god, I need to stop shipping. stronger, than yesterday, now it's nothing but my way. funny if that's the problem.
it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won... unless I gave it away willingly? man...
fwop. the sound effect of the mental dead end. I've exhausted my recurrent rhetorical questions. nrom i say! Nrom...
And lo, she hath descended into the tower of babel.
Where was I going? Oh yeah, he has his whole "mustn't-get-truly-happy!will-become-evil!" and today I have learned I share a similar constraint.
Anything over a 7/10 on the scale of happiness and at some point in the following 24hrs I end up going "Eeeeeeeekkk!! Crassssshhhhh-fizzle-fizzle-plop"
Metaphorically, obviously, as I haven't been stamped certifiably insane just yet.
Anyway, am in one of those interludes where nothing is enough. Nothing fills up that gap... I try to put myself in things but I just fall out... and I understand why people do bad things. I could do something bad now. How bad? who really knows.
I lost reason and all that remains is a taunting shadow of logic, bent but sensical.
5 am bedtimes and 3pm wake ups mean minimal daylight as of late, I don't think it's good for me.
Song on the radio: Killing Heidi. Flashbacks to hearing them play it live, such a different time then, convoluted but nothing like now. Present always outranks the past somehow.
too many boxes... too many people sharing my disorder, no strength in numbers, just grander delusions.
no new god to replace the old one, though I keep looking, god, I need to stop shipping. stronger, than yesterday, now it's nothing but my way. funny if that's the problem.
it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won... unless I gave it away willingly? man...
fwop. the sound effect of the mental dead end. I've exhausted my recurrent rhetorical questions. nrom i say! Nrom...
And lo, she hath descended into the tower of babel.
