Screechy Bif Naked music is very good, I need her CD.

Last study day (and incidentally, Colleen's birthday... I'd link her but she's all locked up... so Happy Birthday Colleeny... remember the mouse (?) the mouuuuuuse!) before the onslaught of exams. Heavily weighted, super important exams.

I've made the study notes, I plan on studying them and practicing... but I still can't concentrate. I end up wondering what my mother's doing and whether she needs help.

I'm probably going to be wondering that for the rest of my life... or hers.

I don't think I'm going to have a life ever. I'll finish some kind of pointless uni degree and I will get some menial labour-esque type job, I'll be a receptionnist for someone or something, and I'll look after my parents and that'll be it.

I thought Psychology was for me but nup, nup, nup. I'm pretty sure I'm falling through the cracks. Maybe I could have done it if I weren't so stressed out, I don't know, maybe I couldn't have. Won't know now anyway.

And that of course leaves me with... very little. Not that I even care at this point. The only thing I am completely paralysed with fear over is how my mother will take it, because I know for sure it won't be well and she'll stress out.

The woman stresses out when she finds out we don't have bread in the house, the kind of stressing punctuated with screeching and "What are we going to do??!!" so stressing caused by me not having a future is unimaginable.

And the stress makes her forget more... you can practically see the message from one of the neurons in her brain struggling to get to the other neuron.

Maybe I'll just switch to a teaching degree, I'll be a teacher like she wanted me to and things will be rosy, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to drum meaningless crap into the minds of the hormonal and the fucking teen angsty... I'm sure I'd fit right in there.

Love ridden I've looked at you,
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I wished on the little blue flame under your brow,
and baby I wished for you...

I've tried to study but failed, and if there is a God it's up to him now. My only option is prayer, though this shouldn't be taken as a sign of me being religiously devoted, if you told me there was a god who accepted sexual favours I'd be asking you to point me at him/her/it.

Okay, so I'll teach. Maybe I should teach maths, just to make it that much less fun. Maybe I'll apply to my old school, yes, that would certainly be neat.

There's nothing wrong with my life, I have no dreams, no will or means to get anywhere ever... but I don't suppose there's anything wrong with that.

I'll idealise and realise
that it's no sacrifice because a price is paid
and there's nothing left to grieve
Fucking go
'cos I've done what I could for you
and I do know what's good for me
and I'm not benefitting
instead I'm sitting,
singing again, singing again, singing again, sing, sing sing again...

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