2002-12-05 - 1:06 p.m.
I wrote half an entry for you yesterday, but as fate would have it just as someone was telling me over MSN about all the powersurges and blackouts going on around town the power to my computer momentarily stopped so it was bye-bye new entry-sville.
Yesterday was a horrible day.
The entry involved me crying everytime I tried to start a new paragraph so perhaps it's better I lost it.
Watching the news last night... badness here with all the fire. Badness in East Timor with the person/s killed in riots. Badness with Bali and Terrorism and such.
This is not the kind of world I wanted, and I honestly think that maybe it would be in the earth's better interests if we just bred ourselves out... in so much as, if we stopped breeding and just died out.
But then, that's me.
Yesterday was my name day and no one remembered. But then that's nothing new.
My mother is sick and although we already knew it the doctor giving her illness a name has made it all worse somehow.
He's going to put her on drugs. But the drugs are only effective for like one in five people. Plus they can have side effects...
They think she has a variant of Alzheimer's disease. She does not forget people or events, just things.
I shouldn't be so upset, it isn't like she's dying. But she's lost a part of her mind, and it could get worse and... she is so scared.
I am so sad for her.
She is only 59, amazingly young to have this kind of thing. They don't know what caused it.
But I do. And I know it's all terribly clich�d to do the blame-yourself-thing, but deep down I know it's my fault.
She only mainly forgets when she is stressed and I stress her out more than anything in the world. Remember the time I told her I didn't want to go to university, and later found her crying and saying she wanted to die? Now I understand why.
She has given me more than I ever needed or wanted and how have I repaid her? I gave her nothing but stress and tears and... If I hated myself before this you cannot imagine how much I hate me now.
I have to look after her now. More, I mean. I don't know how I will do it... I still feel like I'm twelve, I still need her to be there for me so... how am I supposed to be there for her?
I know the answer but it's too hard.
She is always happy when I'm happy. So really, all I have to do is watch out for her and be happy and positive and maybe it could all be okay. But being happy...? I can do it for random intervals but, all the time?
It's like asking a fish to grow wings and fly, and I... I am a fish.
Not that I have a choice in it, of course. I have to, and that is all.
I've been a terrible daughter and a horrible friend, and lately I think people should just put up some fences around me so that no one can get near and I get the loneliness I deserve.
Suburbian hermit of the year.
Yesterday was a horrible day.
The entry involved me crying everytime I tried to start a new paragraph so perhaps it's better I lost it.
Watching the news last night... badness here with all the fire. Badness in East Timor with the person/s killed in riots. Badness with Bali and Terrorism and such.
This is not the kind of world I wanted, and I honestly think that maybe it would be in the earth's better interests if we just bred ourselves out... in so much as, if we stopped breeding and just died out.
But then, that's me.
Yesterday was my name day and no one remembered. But then that's nothing new.
My mother is sick and although we already knew it the doctor giving her illness a name has made it all worse somehow.
He's going to put her on drugs. But the drugs are only effective for like one in five people. Plus they can have side effects...
They think she has a variant of Alzheimer's disease. She does not forget people or events, just things.
I shouldn't be so upset, it isn't like she's dying. But she's lost a part of her mind, and it could get worse and... she is so scared.
I am so sad for her.
She is only 59, amazingly young to have this kind of thing. They don't know what caused it.
But I do. And I know it's all terribly clich�d to do the blame-yourself-thing, but deep down I know it's my fault.
She only mainly forgets when she is stressed and I stress her out more than anything in the world. Remember the time I told her I didn't want to go to university, and later found her crying and saying she wanted to die? Now I understand why.
She has given me more than I ever needed or wanted and how have I repaid her? I gave her nothing but stress and tears and... If I hated myself before this you cannot imagine how much I hate me now.
I have to look after her now. More, I mean. I don't know how I will do it... I still feel like I'm twelve, I still need her to be there for me so... how am I supposed to be there for her?
I know the answer but it's too hard.
She is always happy when I'm happy. So really, all I have to do is watch out for her and be happy and positive and maybe it could all be okay. But being happy...? I can do it for random intervals but, all the time?
It's like asking a fish to grow wings and fly, and I... I am a fish.
Not that I have a choice in it, of course. I have to, and that is all.
I've been a terrible daughter and a horrible friend, and lately I think people should just put up some fences around me so that no one can get near and I get the loneliness I deserve.
Suburbian hermit of the year.
