2003-06-08 - 1:26 p.m.
First off, I hope there was happy birthdayness last night, many congratulisations on the successful year passing to Shelley.
I wanted to sms but my phone died and left me stranded in a place of nightmares ... my brother's retro party.
I had a painfully chilly night, and not just because the weather was freezing.
I hate my relatives, as do many I suppose. Everytime I see them I am forced to do the minimal conversation dance about uni with each one, token conversations so it looks like they haven't ignored me completely. Now on top of other things I get to worry about when mother's condition will be too bad for their stupidity to ignore, because at that point fake pity and gossip will ensue. Greeeaaaat.
Other sources of agony was watching a dead pig being cut up, eww, as my niece and nephew shouted "Yay! Pig!" (who are these children??), being forced to 'dance' (sway lifelessly) to hits of the 70's, and being in the same room as people dressed up as elvis, a hippy, and george michael was more than a little disturbing.
But that is happily so very over now. I slept through the morning, parents have skipped town to visit a sick relative.
Okay they haven't skipped town, they've really just skipped suburb, but town sounds so much cooler.
While this in theory is a good thing it also leaves me to be my miserable self at home with no reason to fake happiness.
Currently am being ripped up by jealousy of everyone in general, and a few specifically, and considering whether to bake something.
I might get teared up while fixing myself a snack as a compromise between the two.
No escape and no solutions, I'd trade everything I had if it would let me fix this. Instead I'm given something that beats me up everyday, from which there is no running away from. And running away used to be the thing to do ... even if I wasn't that good at it.
I'd give everything to be in your place. Even if yours is worse it's different at least. I miss when problems used to go away, do you remember those times? When things would eventually sort themselves out? It's hard knowing I can't ever look forward to that.
And that the only thing I can count on to remain constant in my life is watching my mother slip away, a little bit at a time.
I'm so tired, if someone could freeze me and wake me up again when things are alright, that'd be great. Although at this rate that would probably be never.
I wanted to sms but my phone died and left me stranded in a place of nightmares ... my brother's retro party.
I had a painfully chilly night, and not just because the weather was freezing.
I hate my relatives, as do many I suppose. Everytime I see them I am forced to do the minimal conversation dance about uni with each one, token conversations so it looks like they haven't ignored me completely. Now on top of other things I get to worry about when mother's condition will be too bad for their stupidity to ignore, because at that point fake pity and gossip will ensue. Greeeaaaat.
Other sources of agony was watching a dead pig being cut up, eww, as my niece and nephew shouted "Yay! Pig!" (who are these children??), being forced to 'dance' (sway lifelessly) to hits of the 70's, and being in the same room as people dressed up as elvis, a hippy, and george michael was more than a little disturbing.
But that is happily so very over now. I slept through the morning, parents have skipped town to visit a sick relative.
Okay they haven't skipped town, they've really just skipped suburb, but town sounds so much cooler.
While this in theory is a good thing it also leaves me to be my miserable self at home with no reason to fake happiness.
Currently am being ripped up by jealousy of everyone in general, and a few specifically, and considering whether to bake something.
I might get teared up while fixing myself a snack as a compromise between the two.
No escape and no solutions, I'd trade everything I had if it would let me fix this. Instead I'm given something that beats me up everyday, from which there is no running away from. And running away used to be the thing to do ... even if I wasn't that good at it.
I'd give everything to be in your place. Even if yours is worse it's different at least. I miss when problems used to go away, do you remember those times? When things would eventually sort themselves out? It's hard knowing I can't ever look forward to that.
And that the only thing I can count on to remain constant in my life is watching my mother slip away, a little bit at a time.
I'm so tired, if someone could freeze me and wake me up again when things are alright, that'd be great. Although at this rate that would probably be never.
