I'm holding out, not getting an answer
2003-03-29 - 12:46 p.m.

I'd trade ignorance for being informed in a split second, I keep looking for those little rays of hope in information but I keep stumbling.

Did you know that Alzheimers lasts between three and twenty years, after which you die of something, pneumonia or some kind of minor infection, just because your brain forgets how to fight them.

Or that in the last stage of very severe cognitive decline, your vocabulary becomes limited to a few words and you can't sit, walk, or even smile.

It's mentioned thoroughly that every case is different, but that doesn't make the possibility any less tangible.

And then there's the knowing that deterioration can occur at literally any time. My mother's case is labelled as mild at the moment, but who knows how long that will last.

I can't imagine how scary that must be, being lost in your own head, and I'm crying now because I know she's suffering and I wish so badly that it was me.

I wish I could carry that burden for her, and I'm trying so hard to be what she needs me to be right now, but I'm not doing so well.

I keep reading all this crap about how you have to treat two patients when someone is suffering from Alzheimers disease, the person suffering from it and the person caring for them, such a load of crap, who gives a fuck whether I cope or fall to pieces, because I don't, all I care about is her.

There are no tissues in this room but I can't leave it because she'll see me crying and it would upset her, if the situation didn't make me ache so much I'd find the fact that I'm using a beach towel to dry my eyes rather funny.

My brother and his family are coming over tonight, I'm already starting to worry about how that will go, especially if I don't stop friggin' crying!! I think that they will be very supportive, which I suppose is nice, although it would be nicer if I knew/trusted them.

You have to have a strong support system, the social worker said, do you have many good friends? Yeah, a few.

One isn't in this state so I don't want to burden her. Another claims she wants to be here for me but she wasn't before and doesn't really seem to be trying now either.

And the one who really was before and will be later is being struck down, and I'm wondering whether I brought karma/fate down on her, bad things happening to people I care about is starting to look like a trend, so if you know me I'd suggest you get as far away from me as possible.

And I'm stupid, talking about people being here for me when it is so painfully obvious that I can't be there for them, I'm trying but failing, maybe I should try to be here for people I don't know, if anyone feels like criticising me so they can feel better about themselves please go ahead.

Oh, mother just entered the room, I'm too busy faking smiles and happy comments to go on with this entry.


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