all you need is love is a lie
2003-09-22 - 2:43 p.m.

My fingers are shaking above the keyboard. But apart from that no one would guess that I haven't seen my beloved bed in oh about 26 hours and countin'

Unless they read the essay I just handed in. Or marked the test I just did.

Even then they might just think I was always that stupid. Heh, and who knows, maybe I am. Except that I just tried to spell 'who' with an e at the end.

So anyway, I'm pretty sure the work I handed in will come back to bite me in the arse pretty soon, but right now in computer lab with my john mayer cd and psych people still scurrying to finish the damn things, I couldn't care less.

Today has been a bit nerve wracky. Going on bus with mother over emphasised how much I am the parent now.

I write a note to the doctor explaining what she wants incase she can't say it. I make sure she has a bus pass and a house key and some tissues in her bag. I entertain her at the bus stop. On the bus she says she's thirsty and I give her my bottle of water to take with her. I walk her to the doors of the hospital and tell the receptionnist who she is and who she's there for.

I leave her in a room full of the withering elderly, and I think, my god. We're both too young for this.

And as I walk down to uni, I worry and think, what if she gets on the wrong bus. What if she crosses the road without looking. Who will protect her when I'm not there.

It's like a child in reverse. Instead of letting her become independent and learning and living her own life, all the opposite happens, and it'll only keep happening.

No wonder my body has been yelling "Bring on the babies!"

While at the bus stop, she says I have something around my mouth. I can't seem to find where she means so I give her the tissue and tell her to do the annoying mother thing.

She tries to take off my lipgloss.

So here I am, in uni, waiting for my four o'clock class because my 2 o'clock one finished an hour and fifty minutes early.

I don't know what to do with myself. I just don't know what to do with myself.

I think I might be hungry, but it's good, the zombie-like state precludes me from actually feeling it. Anorexia! Yay! Yay!

My vision is sort of fading in and out on me. And I'm not sure whether I mean that metaphorically and literally or what.

Mother just phoned. I made her promise to call when she got home. Funny, you would have thought that'd be her line.

The doctor asked her what month and season it was and she couldn't tell him.

Oh mum, we'll be okay somehow.


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