2004-02-08 - 2:59 p.m.
I've been keeping busy, trying to spin patterns out of the chaos in my brain that don't want to be spun, watching junk television, occasionally calling out random sentences to the air around me.
I miss routine, something resembling order in my life ... I crave it but can't bring myself to afford it.
Family politics battle on, my father says I don't help my mother enough when I know what he means is that I don't pick up all the slack by myself which would let him continue on as he always has.
Or maybe I'm just twisting it my way to escape the slack altogether, letting it have free reign over our lives. Slack monster!! Much like the blob it devours and grows, repeat, repeat.
I visited my westie relatives the other day. It was sad somehow, knowing my inability to sustain any kind of connection to them, makes me feel barren and cultureless.
I walked into my dad's cousin's house and thought "What's that smell?", then I saw her, my dad's cousin's wife, and realised it was someone who was very close to giving up on life, mentally if not physically also.
She has diabetes and has lost a leg to it already and, I hear through the grapevine, may soon lose the other. She could have fought it earlier but she never really put the effort in.
It made my whole grip on this living situation seem significantly less tenuous.
Holidays still for a few more weeks, they're never ever long enough for the things I want to get done, probably more because I want them done without me having to do them.
Still, I like to think at the end of them something will be different and things will click into the right places and this year will flow without me having to push myself...
Yeah, right.
I miss routine, something resembling order in my life ... I crave it but can't bring myself to afford it.
Family politics battle on, my father says I don't help my mother enough when I know what he means is that I don't pick up all the slack by myself which would let him continue on as he always has.
Or maybe I'm just twisting it my way to escape the slack altogether, letting it have free reign over our lives. Slack monster!! Much like the blob it devours and grows, repeat, repeat.
I visited my westie relatives the other day. It was sad somehow, knowing my inability to sustain any kind of connection to them, makes me feel barren and cultureless.
I walked into my dad's cousin's house and thought "What's that smell?", then I saw her, my dad's cousin's wife, and realised it was someone who was very close to giving up on life, mentally if not physically also.
She has diabetes and has lost a leg to it already and, I hear through the grapevine, may soon lose the other. She could have fought it earlier but she never really put the effort in.
It made my whole grip on this living situation seem significantly less tenuous.
Holidays still for a few more weeks, they're never ever long enough for the things I want to get done, probably more because I want them done without me having to do them.
Still, I like to think at the end of them something will be different and things will click into the right places and this year will flow without me having to push myself...
Yeah, right.
