I can't care about anything but you
2004-10-30 - 12:57 a.m.

I am walking a fine line with this entry. I have to write this as a tourniquet, but I also need to protect the feelings of boy.

Need to. It is absolutely not a matter of choice.

Boy and I broke up.

The reasons are complicated but suffice to say there's still much love between us, which makes it particularly painful.

I'm still dizzy in love with him, at least. And so at times I find it hard not to be devastated.

But I know this, on top of his own feelings, hurts him greatly. And his hurt, on top of my own feelings, hurts me greatly. Vicious cycle...

Understandably, we've both been a bit of a mess. I couldn't even hug him last night, couldn't even look at him as I walked away. I wanted to but I knew that if I did, the tears would come back, with unstoppable force. I was trying to spare him having to watch more of that, but I suspect I hurt him anyway.

We're going to be friends. This is daunting in itself, and I think if anyone but him had asked me for that, I would have run away screaming by now.

I don't know quite how I'm going to manage friendship, but it will probably be okay once I stop crying, I'm just not sure when that will be, and I hope he can stand that. Because if I think I'm hurting him with my hurt, I'll stop it.

I think I can do that because I care about him that much, and because I know, where we've ended up isn't really his choice. Funny, isn't it.

Right now I catch myself pouring over every detail about him and us, and though so painful, they're so fond, you know? Crazy random details, like the way his eyes lit up in that guitar shop, having petal fights in his car, his strange nicknames for my boobs, kicking off my shoes in his room.

Today has been a struggle. But I think I'm coming good now. I am a tough cookie. And I've had help, which I can't thank you enough for. xxx.

And it's funny. Even though he's the cause of my... mmm... spazzyness at the moment, he's still a source of strength for me. Just the thought of him helps me get by, in everything, including this. Bizarre...... heh.

Serious soppy note now, because it is quite adamant about being written.

When I woke up my hand was resting on the soft skin of my side. The skin didn't even feel like mine anymore. It might be keeping my internal organs all nice and inside my body, but somehow all my skin, all my everything, still belongs to him.

And I'm probably biased in saying this now, but I know myself pretty well, and I don't believe that will ever change.

At some unknown point I'm sure I'll do the grown-up thing and generate the appearance that I've put all this behind me.

Maybe I'll bury it, or box it, hell maybe I'll shove the memories in a safe and then ship it away to be buried in some magical Arabian desert where the heat sears just enough to impair memory and facilitate forgetting. That would be all kinds of appropriate.

But I know there will always be this tiny whisper of hope. Maybe time can dissipate the obstacles which are too big for us to overcome right now. It's not impossible that that could happen, there's no argument that could convince me that there's no chance of that.

So I can't help but be aware that a significant part of me will wait for him... Forever. I thoroughly doubt there's anything he or I could do to change this.

I love him still, I'm in love with him still. Because of this, I want what's best for him. So I will abide by the rules which have been set, or die trying.

That was just an expression. There will be survival, I will do anything and everything I can to ensure his, and if I get obliterated or salvaged in the process, so be it.

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