2002-09-19 - 12:53 p.m.
Today is very busy being tedious, except for seemingly random intervals where it stops and decides to be entirely irksome.
Very much not a yay.
Earlier this morning I came to another one of those stunningly obvious self-realizations which seem to be common only to me.
I'm struggling with being here not because I hate my life, my life is actually quite fine in most respects, the problem is (and get ready for the outright obviousness of this suggestion) that I hate me.
In short, I suck.
In long, I hate my own personal inconsistencies. I hate that I'm a dreamer always and a doer never. I hate that when the spotlight falls on me I am unable to do anything with it even though I am a bright enough girl (or so people say) who really ought to be able to form some kind of opinion and string a sentence or two together.
I hate what I have become and I hate that I can't even remember exactly when I became it.
And I hate that, despite severe ennui and bitterness at this thing I call self I don't have the motivation to change.
To sum, I suck.
You know what's great about this entry? The fact that it doesn't all boil down to being about a boy.
... I won't deny there's possibly a lot of that hidden in deeper in there, but really in the end it does all come back to me.
But then really, the fact that it's all up to me (and I am too damn lazy to do anything about it) was actually the problem in the first place.
Damnit.
Enough about me. I want to know what your crazy night was like and I want to know what you've been doing and I want to know how your harem is and I want to know how you're feeling and I want to know how you are.
Also I would like to know that if you were to write a self-help book for others what it would be called, and what would your topic of expertise would be.
Mine is "101 new and innovative ways to feel insecure about yourself,"
Enough said. And if anyone out there has any answers... then, please...
If you bring the answers I'll find the questions.
Very much not a yay.
Earlier this morning I came to another one of those stunningly obvious self-realizations which seem to be common only to me.
I'm struggling with being here not because I hate my life, my life is actually quite fine in most respects, the problem is (and get ready for the outright obviousness of this suggestion) that I hate me.
In short, I suck.
In long, I hate my own personal inconsistencies. I hate that I'm a dreamer always and a doer never. I hate that when the spotlight falls on me I am unable to do anything with it even though I am a bright enough girl (or so people say) who really ought to be able to form some kind of opinion and string a sentence or two together.
I hate what I have become and I hate that I can't even remember exactly when I became it.
And I hate that, despite severe ennui and bitterness at this thing I call self I don't have the motivation to change.
To sum, I suck.
You know what's great about this entry? The fact that it doesn't all boil down to being about a boy.
... I won't deny there's possibly a lot of that hidden in deeper in there, but really in the end it does all come back to me.
But then really, the fact that it's all up to me (and I am too damn lazy to do anything about it) was actually the problem in the first place.
Damnit.
Enough about me. I want to know what your crazy night was like and I want to know what you've been doing and I want to know how your harem is and I want to know how you're feeling and I want to know how you are.
Also I would like to know that if you were to write a self-help book for others what it would be called, and what would your topic of expertise would be.
Mine is "101 new and innovative ways to feel insecure about yourself,"
Enough said. And if anyone out there has any answers... then, please...
If you bring the answers I'll find the questions.
