2001-10-10 - 9:18 a.m.
Okay good now ...
Actually my dad's not that bad. Except for the part where he spent a good 15 mins examining the variety of lunch boxes available in Kmart (oh my GOD! They're all the SAME, they ALL HOLD FOOD, can't you just pick one and go?!)
But my mother, urgh. Everyone's all "Aw, she's so cute" but you don't live with her and today's escapades ... well, let's just say her slide into senility is speeding up. It's not fair! Why can't I have a nice, semi-sane mother like everyone else!!
1) FASHION CHECK - urgh, urgh, urgh. She was wearing this brown cardigan that she loves but it's like urgh. There aren't words for the ickyness there. Meanwhile, she was also wearing jeans up to her ... well, y'know where the waistline is? Yeah, go about 10 cms above that, causing me to go
"Why are you dressing like a 70 yr old man?!"
"It's the fashion!"
"Yeah mum, BAD FASHION," I say as I pull her shirt out and make her look a few degrees less scary ...
2) RIDES IN ENCLOSED SPACES BRING NO GOOD - riding in the van. URGH.
Mum: So ... who locked the door?
Me: Well, you were the last one out ...
Mum: er ...
Me: But I locked it. It's not a hard thing to remember, and it's VERY IMPORTANT!
Mum: Well, you forget things too. Like this morning, you forgot to open the blinds and let the light in...
Me: Yes, you have priorities ... the other morning *you* left the door *wide open* while your only daughter was dead to the world! Urh! What if I had been raped and robbed?! Would you remember to lock it THEN?!
Mum: *cackles*
Dad: Oh yeah, that's *really* something to laugh at ...
Me: *vehement nodding*
3) REALITY CHECK - Walking aroungd the shopping centre is like an oh-my-god-embarrassing-shudder because she totally sees no one else. Like in Coles, she starts walking towards me while an old man is *very slowly* pushing a trolley in front of her path, and yet she doesn't stop or even notice it at all instead she walks right in front of it, making the man stop and wave courteously in this gentlemanly "you go" ... standing on the escalators, I tell her "stand on one side" so she moves closer to me. Internal urgh. "No, I mean, so people can get past. My god, don't you know anything about civilisation?!" *amused look* "Fine. Just remember next time...". Next escalator, repeat of scene, only less talking and more shuddering internally from me ... it's not that her faux pas are that bad, but when she does it repeatedly ... just urgh!
4) "S-T-A-R-I-N-G, I can't stop staring" (No Doubt, Return of Saturn) ... It's a really bad habit of hers and it wouldn't matter so much if she was at all discreet but she isn't, and it's scary. Today was really nyah, because I was looking for clothes (yes, Barbara's never-ending quest for the perfect pants) and usually she's all pushy while shopping and all decisive but today she just stood there, staring at me and following me around like a puppy dog ... making me too uncomfortable to shop! I had to send her grocery shopping and look through other stores ... although meanwhile, I have new jeans ...
5) ONE THING AT A TIME - Okay so maybe this one isn't so much as in public problem but it's just scary and weird and makes me go "Ahhh! You so old!". The problem is that she can seriously only do one thing at a time - any more than that and she gets all confused and she just slows down ... like we'll be talking about something, I don't know, say family history ..
(Mum is fiddling in kitchen)
Me: So, Maria is married to Tony? Oh, can you please pass me a fork? (fork is on kitchen counter, directly in front of her)
Mum: No, no ... she's married to ... *hand wavers towards knives on other counter ... then towards the sink, like it's forgotten where it's supposed ot be going*
Me: FORK, mum.
Mum: Right. *passes fork*
Me: Well?
Mum: What? I gave you a fork.
Me: No, who is ... oh, never mind!
Phew. I'm done now. Well, not with the annoyances that make up my mother, I could go on forever but my fingers are tired ...
So bye now ...
