2002-05-01 - 4:34 p.m.
[Give me that strange relationship
One of us gotta let go of this
I keep pushing and you keep holding on
But I'm already gone ...]
Why is it that I keep listening to these hyper dramatic relationship break up songs? Especially when all I want is a completely non dramatic break up of a relationship that I'm not even having, never had. Urgh ... why does everything have to be so complex ...
Everything is in a stupid mess except I can't complain because so much of it is my mess. But I can't be bothered to resolve it because all that will happen will be an even bigger mess that I won't want to deal with either ... why can't things do that poof! vanishing trick?
Why, oh why did mothers have to be involved? My mother likes his mother because apparently she came into our house and praised me to the ceiling (but I still feel violated ... praise makes me mad) which my mother likes because she thinks anything I do well is all a reflection of her ...
Although my mother kind of wanting me to go out with him just gives it the kiss of more death (it was dead before that, but this would have made it dead if it hadn't been before). I mean, who goes out with guys her mother likes? Not me, damnit. Give me a nice, short, non catholic, half black half asian drug dealing porn making bikie member any day, thankyouverymuch...
Still slightly freaked ... loud noises scare the hell out of me more than ever and so do people approaching me that I don't know ...
Ah, and my mother so thinks I'm a big old net slut now. Tell her I'm going on and she was like "So who are you talking to now?!" ...
Urgh. I wish I could rewind this section of my life and just tape over it with some old, classic episodes of my life. Such as the classic angst episode, or the "ohmygodI'mgoingtofailanddie" dance or even a nice hit of depression or anorexia... anything but this basically. You could even replace it with repetitive footage of me having humiliating incidents ("My Life: The bloopers") and I would be quite content with it all as long as I knew what I had been missing ...
Not to be five or anything, but ... NOFAIR.
D'you think I'm in denial? Or is this just a weird form of repression? I should know this since we only covered it in psych yesterday, but goldfish memory.
I have an exam in linguistics next week, which I should be studying ultra hard for... Because I like the subject and have decided to do well at it but my brain hasn't yet deciphered the connection between "wanting to do well" and "putting in effort to achieve goal" ...
But I should do well since our lecturer sat us down today and went through each question of the exam paper, and gave us the brief topic of what we'll need to know to answer it ... heh, only because they need "derrieres on seats" next year.
May run into problems transcribing casual Australian speech. Damn my being Australian and having strange lack of national accent, instead speaking some obtuse blend of extremely light American and English ...
Mmmm, well. You know what I could really use now? A revival of TLS. I know it's no good wishing, but ...
One of us gotta let go of this
I keep pushing and you keep holding on
But I'm already gone ...]
Why is it that I keep listening to these hyper dramatic relationship break up songs? Especially when all I want is a completely non dramatic break up of a relationship that I'm not even having, never had. Urgh ... why does everything have to be so complex ...
Everything is in a stupid mess except I can't complain because so much of it is my mess. But I can't be bothered to resolve it because all that will happen will be an even bigger mess that I won't want to deal with either ... why can't things do that poof! vanishing trick?
Why, oh why did mothers have to be involved? My mother likes his mother because apparently she came into our house and praised me to the ceiling (but I still feel violated ... praise makes me mad) which my mother likes because she thinks anything I do well is all a reflection of her ...
Although my mother kind of wanting me to go out with him just gives it the kiss of more death (it was dead before that, but this would have made it dead if it hadn't been before). I mean, who goes out with guys her mother likes? Not me, damnit. Give me a nice, short, non catholic, half black half asian drug dealing porn making bikie member any day, thankyouverymuch...
Still slightly freaked ... loud noises scare the hell out of me more than ever and so do people approaching me that I don't know ...
Ah, and my mother so thinks I'm a big old net slut now. Tell her I'm going on and she was like "So who are you talking to now?!" ...
Urgh. I wish I could rewind this section of my life and just tape over it with some old, classic episodes of my life. Such as the classic angst episode, or the "ohmygodI'mgoingtofailanddie" dance or even a nice hit of depression or anorexia... anything but this basically. You could even replace it with repetitive footage of me having humiliating incidents ("My Life: The bloopers") and I would be quite content with it all as long as I knew what I had been missing ...
Not to be five or anything, but ... NOFAIR.
D'you think I'm in denial? Or is this just a weird form of repression? I should know this since we only covered it in psych yesterday, but goldfish memory.
I have an exam in linguistics next week, which I should be studying ultra hard for... Because I like the subject and have decided to do well at it but my brain hasn't yet deciphered the connection between "wanting to do well" and "putting in effort to achieve goal" ...
But I should do well since our lecturer sat us down today and went through each question of the exam paper, and gave us the brief topic of what we'll need to know to answer it ... heh, only because they need "derrieres on seats" next year.
May run into problems transcribing casual Australian speech. Damn my being Australian and having strange lack of national accent, instead speaking some obtuse blend of extremely light American and English ...
Mmmm, well. You know what I could really use now? A revival of TLS. I know it's no good wishing, but ...
