it's not a tumour!
2004-05-26 - 4:31 a.m.

Today I watched a bug get caught by a spider. It's one of those things that you know happens on a more than daily basis, but it's an out of sight out of mind thing. Until you see it...

I'd sat down in my stats class, and was staring at the ominous cloud formations through a grime encrusted window. I could see buildings and a car park, all looking like depressed signs of modernity in the light of a rainy day. In the corner of my eye, I saw movement outside; a grey spider. I welcomed it's movement as the first signs of life in a dreary picture, until I noticed something struggling against it.

Trapped in the web, a bug fights back. As the struggle goes on, the futility of the effort becomes realised; and though I looked on, serenely unaffected, I considered intervening. I could have killed the spider, but the bug would still be trapped and exposed to predators; I could have tried to free the bug, but it's small size and delicate form would have been injured in the process.

So I respect nature and don't interfere, and inevitably, the bug gives up, and becomes merely a snack for later.

It means something, this living thing. Don't ask me how I got from there to here, but I did.

The rest of the day was considerably less reflectional in tone. I got 5.5/20 on my open-book stats test! A normal person would be disgruntled, upset, mystified even; but I can't seem to find it anything but funny. I'm chuckling under my breath just thinking about it. If I can't do an optional open book exam worth 20%, how will I do a mandatory closed book exam worth 70%??? Hahahaha! I guess all you really can do sometimes is laugh...

Do you remember me being paranoid about getting cancer? Well, last night, approximately an hour after writing that down, I found a lump. A mysterious out of nowhere lump.

As I was going to bed I was convinced I had meningacoccl or however it's spelled; I really did for a while believe I'd wake up dead or something.

But no, still here. And I'm constantly reminding myself "Barbara, you can't get cancer of the bikini line,"

Maybe I have an STD! wait... I think that's dependent on me being involved in the S part of the equation. What if it's Syphillis! Okay that's again dependent, and plus it's really more on my leg.

And I'm really hoping I just bumped it or something... but who gets bumped there? Don't answer that.

It doesn't look bad, not raised at all just a little bruised and very red. But I can feel a lump under the skin, hard and a tiny bit sore. And I hate the unknown, and plus with all my hypochondria, it's freaking me out. I'll go to the doctor if it's still there next week.

Okay I just called the doctor's office and I'll see her tomorrow. Hahaha, paranoia. What if it's somehow connected to pelvic inflammatory disease and I can't have bebes! Ahhhhh!

Okay, I'm going to stop looking at health websites now. They are not reassuring. Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll just be like... genital warts! [Brain to Babs: again an STD, something you can't get unless like ... God gave it to you, which is ew on a whole new bunch of levels... Babs to brain: Thanks for that invlauable contribution]okay okay, I'll stop freaking myself out now and subjecting you to muchos grossness.

Shit! I just found out my dad got somewhat electrocuted today. Apparently the electricians at my brother and sister-in-law's new house miswired and so when my dad touched something he copped 240 volts... That's enough to kill children! Apparently it was lucky he was wearing gloves and rubber boots and so it didn't bother him too much. He has to go to the doctor tomorrow to make sure the electricity didn't damage his freaking heart!

I am, as you can observe, significantly freaked out about this, while he is all "Pfft, I've been shocked worse before. What do you care, you get the house if I die!"

That's the spirit. So we're both off to the family doctor tomorrow and I still haven't finished my health psychology assignment. So eventful and yet ultimately not.


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