And I will pay no mind
2003-12-01 - 10:53 p.m.

I stretch my fingers before I lay them on the keyboard to type and as the knuckles crack it sounds as if there is some intention, some pure driving force behind them that will guide the words as they glide off my fingers like raindrops.

But ... no.

Today was tolerable but surly. My father seems to be experiencing manopause. He worries that I will move out with some random guy and abandon them. As if there's a guy that I'd want to have that would have me.

I had to proofread their wills for them. They are leaving me a big chunk of money and the rest is to be split up between me and my brother.

I wanted them to leave me the house, but they won't because it's worth a lot and wouldn't be fair. So when they're gone I'll have to sell it and split the money. And that will be it, I'll have no real family left in the world and I won't even be able to keep the house I grew up in. All my memories of family will be ripped from me and auctioned off with the property.

And I'll be alone.

It probably won't be as bad as I imagine but there's something terrifying about knowing it waits for you.

And I know. It's just one of those things; some people know when they've found the 'one', and I know I ... won't. I expect to be left, behind, alone, it's my pattern and so that's what happens. And that's not a good thing but damned if I know how to change it.

Okay, I'm going to stop crying at the computer screen now, and crying fullstop.

I concentrate on productive housewifey things like cleaning and cooking and learning to drive so I can run errands ... but underneath it I am obviously a total sop.

Sharp stabbing pains in my ankle - I somehow rammed a trolley into it today.

Things will be better when I get some sleep.

one day I'll tackle that fear of driving straight into the ocean head on.


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