If it really matters I'll do anything you ask me
2002-12-17 - 10:07 a.m.

I'm awake and I guess that's a relief, I was having nightmares along the lines of "murder something something, Coles something something"

You can see that the two are so obviously connected...

If I were one of the... oooh what do you call them. Elves? no. Dopes? No. Short people?? No... dwarves! If I were to become the 8th dwarf (because the chances of me becoming snow white are less than non existant) I would be Stressy. Or occasionally Mopey.

See usually it's just me, usually I'm just teen angsty insane and all I have to do is hold myself together and I get by and that isn't so great on it's own, but I manage. But right now... right now everything in my life feels like it's breaking up (like that comet in the Simpson's upon entering earth's polluted atmosphere) and so I am trying hard to be the glue that holds things together, but it's just not in me. I am the glue equivalent of that paste you used in kindergarten. I am clag, damnit!

And so yes, things feel ever so messed up right now so I feel even more of a mess. It's not that I haven't been in places like here before, I really really have but... up until now I've always had something, or someone so I could say to myself "At least I have this," but here there are no at leasts, there's nothing...

And it's lame but I know I could get by if some boy who I knew a little, who only knew me a little let me lean on him a little (metaphorically ... although literally of course wouldn't be necessarily bad). I want someone to tell me it'll be okay who actually believes it. I want someone who doesn't know me well enough and naively believes in me a little. Because maybe if someone else did, maybe I could too.

That's entirely too lame, I know.

I don't know why, when everybody else has laid their teen angst demons to rest (and have moved on to the regular, everyday kind) that mine still have me by the throat and lurk in every corner.


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