Last night I listened to my discman while in my comfaliscious bed and a candle claiming to smell like ocean breeze burned on.

John Mayer CD is still very good, despite being overly romance focused. Maybe I'm just resentful... I've been thinking about that whole thing with that boy, and I know I did the stupidly right thing now. But I worry for the girl after me, and for the girls that will probably come after her. I want to warn them that he's just deluding himself and themselves because it's convenient and on some level he just wants to prove a point, and tell them that they deserve so much more than that...

But it isn't my place, and if I'm right even to some extent I'm sure if they're bright enough they'll figure it out quickly enough for themselves. Still...

Parentals are leaving for a wedding, all prettied up... I'm amazed at how much I'm becoming the parent in our relationships, and also it scares me, because I know I can't look after myself and it feels like now there isn't anyone who will. But that's being pretty selfish of me... I should be strong enough to do this on my own. But I'm not. But moving on...

I can't listen to Your body is a wonderland, I automatically skip it as soon as I get near it, it makes me cringe with body hate for just about every inch of me... except maybe my eyelashes. That's it, those centimetre long things are meant to redeem the miles of bad. I wish I could just be those lashes, it would simplify everything a whole lot. Occasionally I'd get complimented or have mascara shoved on me or wiped off me, and that would be that mainly...

As I watched the flame of the ocean breeze candle dance and make shadows last night, I realised that this is the end of this.

Someone said something somewhere awhile ago and I no longer feel comfortable saying things here. Writing about stuff that's going on in my life that I'm struggling to cope with just makes me feel weak now. I know other people would be doing better than I am since my problems are obviously meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I know this. So no more being aloud with them.

Maybe I'll find a nice locked diary for myself where I can dwell and be angsty, and in real life I'll pretend I'm super-fine while I continue to bitch on in the diary.

Or maybe I'll get a locked one to angst in and continue this one where I make with the superficially perky.

Heh, really no to both, I ain't that kinda girl. Diary monogamy, you know? Plus I can't split myself like that, I've tried to do that before and it just doesn't work for me.

I don't know, I might be back tomorrow but this feels so much like an end. Maybe life'll change and I'll return in a month complete with more obsessing over smartguy, fashion, and my hair than ever before; I just don't know.

No idea where this path is heading but at this point it seems likely I'll walk (read:crawl) it without you, dear diary.

Guess it's time for my goodbyes, just in case there is no return (but just by me saying that it's highly likely that my next entry will be in oh, half an hour; and even if it isn't I'm still going to be reading people)...

Thank you to ZY for recent guestbook message, for a moment I felt something I hadn't in a long time, and I can't thank you enough for that. Don't ever lose your optimisim, girl.

Sar, you rock beyond your comprehension. I know everyone says that but schnookums it's so true! Hehe, schnookums. Anyway, don't stress yourself too much, I believe things will be good for you even though the tarot cards haven't figured that out yet.

Kim, you never fail to amuse or amaze me. Thank you SO MUCH for everything from messages to presents to flirting tips and demonstrations, there aren't words for your awesome combination of coolness/funnyness/zanyness, which is why I'm shutting up now.

Thank you to Mik for being so refreshingly cynical, and Ramona for always seeing the irony. If there was some kind of award for being clever and entertaining, I probably wouldn't nominate them because I'm lazy, but I definitely would try to make someone else do it.

Thank you to the ones I see of in the real world regularly, you know who you are, I'm not going to be overly sop filled ("I promised myself I wouldn't cry!") but you guys really do make the difference, you make it easier and I totally intend on paying you back with unimaginable amounts of cake.

Thank you to anyone who ever listed me as a favourite or mocked or signed or even just read.

Wow, I'm glad that's done. Even if I don't go through with the leaving if I ever die suddenly at least that's sort of taken care of. Although note to everyone: I do intend on haunting you, if you start to feel cold chills on the back of your neck and notice that cookies keep disappearing, that is me all the way.

I'm leaving now. In my food-oriented tradition it's because I need a snack. Parents aren't home so maybe I'll ring for food and then dance around when it arrives, muahaha, oh the power.

See you in the next entry, or when that whole ghost thing goes down.

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