2002-03-28 - 7:33 p.m.
I tried to read the wonderful diaries on my buddy list just now, my favourite distraction, but the words just drip past my brain ...
Today had a ever so gradual slope into distinct hell, so gradual in fact I did not notice until the very second it had all fallen to crap.
I feel all numb. Is this shock? I'm making too big a deal over it, melodramatising, you think that then.
I can't feel anything except an annoying sense of hindsight. If I had read the signs ... there has been foreshadowing going the past fortnight.
Oh, god. Why wasn't I alert? I should have sensed this coming.
Bad things always seem to happen when you aren't looking, and that's the exact problem, I wasn't looking, I wasn't paying attention. I didn't know I was supposed to but I should have known that ...
I'm going to go lie down in a dark room somewhere. Try and stay unmoved except for a few tears ... what is it that people who experience shock need? A blanket? I'll have a blanket ...
And I want to talk about it but mention it to my parents and they will freak and berate me. Supportive only in the 'not' sense of the word.
Can't share it with you now ... catharsis is not what I need. I need to hold onto this tightly and rock back and forth like I'm holding a dead relative.
Nothing that bad. No one's dead. It was just a massive shock. My eyes are still as wide as they were an hour ago, when I was told.
Potentially life changing, in a bad way, but nothing has happened so far. But I was so scared... Am still so. I can't say anymore, I can't process this now...
Just pretend you understand and be supportive.
Today had a ever so gradual slope into distinct hell, so gradual in fact I did not notice until the very second it had all fallen to crap.
I feel all numb. Is this shock? I'm making too big a deal over it, melodramatising, you think that then.
I can't feel anything except an annoying sense of hindsight. If I had read the signs ... there has been foreshadowing going the past fortnight.
Oh, god. Why wasn't I alert? I should have sensed this coming.
Bad things always seem to happen when you aren't looking, and that's the exact problem, I wasn't looking, I wasn't paying attention. I didn't know I was supposed to but I should have known that ...
I'm going to go lie down in a dark room somewhere. Try and stay unmoved except for a few tears ... what is it that people who experience shock need? A blanket? I'll have a blanket ...
And I want to talk about it but mention it to my parents and they will freak and berate me. Supportive only in the 'not' sense of the word.
Can't share it with you now ... catharsis is not what I need. I need to hold onto this tightly and rock back and forth like I'm holding a dead relative.
Nothing that bad. No one's dead. It was just a massive shock. My eyes are still as wide as they were an hour ago, when I was told.
Potentially life changing, in a bad way, but nothing has happened so far. But I was so scared... Am still so. I can't say anymore, I can't process this now...
Just pretend you understand and be supportive.
