2002-07-21 - 9:51 p.m.
Finally roused self off couch. Had been staring at the not-turned-on tv blankly for past hour.
Maybe should have turned it on or something. Oh well.
I feel like I've rocked up to an expensive chic restaurant all frocked up, and have told the waiter that I have a reservation. "Under what name?" he'd ask politely, and I'd answer "Pity." His finger would run down a list of names to find it at the very bottom. "Right, of course," he'd say "Pity party, table for one I suppose?" and I'd nod slightly. He'd lead me to an elegant table decorated with pretty balloons and sparklers and all things nice. I'd sit quietly there amongst all the glamour, and passers by would note that in amidst all the wonderful things the most observable element of it all was the mere expression of sadness on my face.
And now you understand why no one has ever defended against claims that I do not lack a penchant for melodrama.
I'm in a bit of a state. Metaphorical crouching on the floor, trembling, my eyes darting all over the place trying to anticipate where the next blow will hit.
It's just that suddenly for no real reason at all karma has gone SLAP! ... SLAP! ... SLAP! and I catch myself thinking "Karma, goddamn you," and then I get all confused by the mixing of religions and I have to wonder whether Karma could suffer from Karma.
I have a talent for sidetracking *small bow* but unfortunately not enough of one to wholly distract.
SLAP!
I have to do a science course this term. After numerous setbacks I discovered last night that my only viable option is to do maths. I don't think I've ever tiraded on how much I loathe and utterly despise maths before, but from my wording there you should be able to imagine. On top of this visions of karma are filling my head, I see her in absolute hysterics because she is now getting me back for the whole Maths Guy thingy. Damnit.
This was a blow of course but I needed a lot more to knock me over, hence...
SLAP!
At work today I thought I was being so good because former-melty-hair-boy was working directly in my line of vision for about an hour and managed not to let myself stare even once. But then he left and I called up to the front desk to ask for large bags (an only semi-pressing need) but no one was up there and he reappeared and he saw me on the phone.
In short he saw that I needed something and he saw that I saw him and I'm pretty sure he even saw my mouth open and close like I was going to say something but then changed my mind.
In even more short I'm now convinced that he knows and I feel that all is lost.
But I came home and screamed into pillows some and felt a little better. Not done for just yet. But then ...
SLAP!
My niece and nephew are staying here for a week, not sure if I mentioned. We're watching tv and for no reason my niece turns to me and tells me that her mother said that I'm not allowed to take them anywhere by myself, that my mother or father has to be present.
Which is just the biggest slap of all, that I'm not trusted with them and I don't know why. And worse, my mother, the woman who forgets where she parks her car and goes into hysterical fits where she deludes herself into thinking its been stolen and forgets to put coconut in a coconut cake and leaves all the doors to our house open and leaves while her only daughter is sleeping, is trusted where I am so obviously more responsible.
Sigh. So yes, here is where I am now. And just as a few endorphins start to kick in and I start to think that maybe things will be alright, I open my email to find a letter from Maths Guy.
Just what I always knew I never wanted.
Ciao, see you on another side.
Maybe should have turned it on or something. Oh well.
I feel like I've rocked up to an expensive chic restaurant all frocked up, and have told the waiter that I have a reservation. "Under what name?" he'd ask politely, and I'd answer "Pity." His finger would run down a list of names to find it at the very bottom. "Right, of course," he'd say "Pity party, table for one I suppose?" and I'd nod slightly. He'd lead me to an elegant table decorated with pretty balloons and sparklers and all things nice. I'd sit quietly there amongst all the glamour, and passers by would note that in amidst all the wonderful things the most observable element of it all was the mere expression of sadness on my face.
And now you understand why no one has ever defended against claims that I do not lack a penchant for melodrama.
I'm in a bit of a state. Metaphorical crouching on the floor, trembling, my eyes darting all over the place trying to anticipate where the next blow will hit.
It's just that suddenly for no real reason at all karma has gone SLAP! ... SLAP! ... SLAP! and I catch myself thinking "Karma, goddamn you," and then I get all confused by the mixing of religions and I have to wonder whether Karma could suffer from Karma.
I have a talent for sidetracking *small bow* but unfortunately not enough of one to wholly distract.
SLAP!
I have to do a science course this term. After numerous setbacks I discovered last night that my only viable option is to do maths. I don't think I've ever tiraded on how much I loathe and utterly despise maths before, but from my wording there you should be able to imagine. On top of this visions of karma are filling my head, I see her in absolute hysterics because she is now getting me back for the whole Maths Guy thingy. Damnit.
This was a blow of course but I needed a lot more to knock me over, hence...
SLAP!
At work today I thought I was being so good because former-melty-hair-boy was working directly in my line of vision for about an hour and managed not to let myself stare even once. But then he left and I called up to the front desk to ask for large bags (an only semi-pressing need) but no one was up there and he reappeared and he saw me on the phone.
In short he saw that I needed something and he saw that I saw him and I'm pretty sure he even saw my mouth open and close like I was going to say something but then changed my mind.
In even more short I'm now convinced that he knows and I feel that all is lost.
But I came home and screamed into pillows some and felt a little better. Not done for just yet. But then ...
SLAP!
My niece and nephew are staying here for a week, not sure if I mentioned. We're watching tv and for no reason my niece turns to me and tells me that her mother said that I'm not allowed to take them anywhere by myself, that my mother or father has to be present.
Which is just the biggest slap of all, that I'm not trusted with them and I don't know why. And worse, my mother, the woman who forgets where she parks her car and goes into hysterical fits where she deludes herself into thinking its been stolen and forgets to put coconut in a coconut cake and leaves all the doors to our house open and leaves while her only daughter is sleeping, is trusted where I am so obviously more responsible.
Sigh. So yes, here is where I am now. And just as a few endorphins start to kick in and I start to think that maybe things will be alright, I open my email to find a letter from Maths Guy.
Just what I always knew I never wanted.
Ciao, see you on another side.
