This isn't actually the right time for this entry, I don't have that much to say and I should get to bed as I have a relatively big day tomorrow which... technically started fifteen minutes ago. Oops.

But then, since I'm here...

Highschool was a bad bad thing, but it's over now, but even now I don't know how I got through. There was scraping and dragging, mentally and academically, but somehow I finished. Went in little and unlearned, came out tattered and taller but unable to stand tall.

It was bad because of depression/teen angst, I like to think of it as depression but I may just be humouring myself by treating things that happen to me as serious, so really I like to call it my little case of "clinical teen angst". And that was hard and horrible and frustrating but I eventually I found the answer, even though I didn't recognise the question at the time.

I know the question was "Helpless?" and the answer was "control". And I found that control in a nice little socially acceptable case of anorexia, spending my days transcending my bad feelings, floating by in hunger-induced states of lightheadedness.

But I got over that in a year, I do like food you know, and I thought I was ready to keep going. But it turns out I wasn't. Anorexia made the shame over my body easier to let go of in it's own twisted way, but it didn't fix my head because I'm ashamed of myself still, I hate myself when I'm smart, I hate doing good work.

I remember going to my teacher in highschool when I found out I got top mark in the class and crying, begging her to remark it, find flaw, because I knew it was there and everybody thinking it wasn't made me sick.

All my life I've tried so hard to be average, not above, not below, to the point where I can't stop... I've always known who I was, it's just the past few years, I've learned to hate it.

So yes, here I am, obviously needing an "out of order" sign shoved somewhere on my front, but no, life just keeps on coming and it doesn't stop.

Mother. Why her? All the blows seem to be landing on her now and it makes me want to cry out, why her? Why not me? I'm nothing, I'm not a good person, I deserve anything bad you can throw at me, but not her. Please, not her.

And the world, don't get me started on the world...

"the best way to look after her is to look after yourself" but don't you understand, I haven't been doing that for years! And I don't know how to face what tomorrow will bring, something good, something bad, or nothing at all, I don't know, how to go on anymore, not that I ever did really, but now more than ever...

And right now I think, if the world went to sleep tonight and not one of us ever woke up again, it might not be such a bad thing.

I have to get to bed.

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