2003-04-03 - 5:10 p.m.
Hello, I am zombie girl, nice to meet you can I eat your brains?
Damn, you are very slowly getting away.
Still brain dead over here obviously. Too much trouble getting to sleep, as soon as my head hits the pillow no matter how tired I am I go into wide awake stress mode, pouring over everything until I'm tossing and turning and crying into aforementioned pillow.
Usually I just drown it all out with music and or infomercials until I pass out but this wasn't satisfactory last night.
No, instead last night I worked myself up so much that I had to get up and read a really lengthy, dense chapter of my psych text book because, because, we had been given an assignment that very day not due for oh six weeks but because I am so absolutely terrified (twitching as we speak) of not getting the distinction average I need I'm worrying about it already.
I think it's because I know how easily I let things slide and that is so not allowed to happen this year and because I know if I can just manage to hold that together I will make it through this year and onto the transfer to be in the place I need to be, and after that maybe things will hold and I can get out of this state and I can be the good responsible helpful supportive daughter and be happy with things for a change...
But if things don't hold, which is so very very likely, I will fall further than I've ever fallen before and I don't know if I'll ever find my way back, I don't even know if I'll have enough energy left to try.
So it's understandable why the transfer is so important to me, it's going to mean a lot to my life, it's practically going to decide whether I have one or not.
And it's understandable why I am almost morphing into nerd-girl, two weeks ahead of her stats class, almost finished her ling assignment due in two weeks, and stressing over assignments not due for another month or more.
Sigh. Oh, this year, is going to be fun.
Damn, you are very slowly getting away.
Still brain dead over here obviously. Too much trouble getting to sleep, as soon as my head hits the pillow no matter how tired I am I go into wide awake stress mode, pouring over everything until I'm tossing and turning and crying into aforementioned pillow.
Usually I just drown it all out with music and or infomercials until I pass out but this wasn't satisfactory last night.
No, instead last night I worked myself up so much that I had to get up and read a really lengthy, dense chapter of my psych text book because, because, we had been given an assignment that very day not due for oh six weeks but because I am so absolutely terrified (twitching as we speak) of not getting the distinction average I need I'm worrying about it already.
I think it's because I know how easily I let things slide and that is so not allowed to happen this year and because I know if I can just manage to hold that together I will make it through this year and onto the transfer to be in the place I need to be, and after that maybe things will hold and I can get out of this state and I can be the good responsible helpful supportive daughter and be happy with things for a change...
But if things don't hold, which is so very very likely, I will fall further than I've ever fallen before and I don't know if I'll ever find my way back, I don't even know if I'll have enough energy left to try.
So it's understandable why the transfer is so important to me, it's going to mean a lot to my life, it's practically going to decide whether I have one or not.
And it's understandable why I am almost morphing into nerd-girl, two weeks ahead of her stats class, almost finished her ling assignment due in two weeks, and stressing over assignments not due for another month or more.
Sigh. Oh, this year, is going to be fun.
