that may be all I need, in darkness he is all I see
2004-11-23 - 12:35 p.m.

I'm going to die.

Too many crime shows watched in too short an interval (8hrs worth in 2 days).

It's not the dying part that bothers me. I'm quite terrified of being murdered. I don't want pain and fear to be the last things I experience, that's part of it.

But moreso, I don't want this snatched from me. It may be meagre and pathetic and boring and nauseating and maudlin for large chunks of time, but damnit, it's mine. It's the only thing I have that really is.

And you know, I wait for a lot of things. I've been waiting, for a long time. I'm a waiter. And I would really hate for me to look at my watch for the billionth time and then look up and find that I've been booted from the waiting room, because oops, I'm dead, sorry. Slither back when you've been reincarnarnated as a worm and then we'll see what we can do.


I suppose I should get on with it then. Life, etc. etc. I tend to leave it to tomorrows that never entirely eventuate. Sometimes it's hard just to scrape by. My family are driving me you-don't-know-how-nuts at the moment, and impending exams have also been making me bonkers, and .. stuff.

It turns out that dealing with being dumped and dealing with a relationship (... well, it didn't end, but it didn't just change either ... it somethinged) transmogrifying aren't even houses on the same street for me.

I didn't know I could be this twitchy over a person. I didn't know I could crave so hard. Time will fade this from my awareness, yeah, yeah. Maybe. I've gone over and over and over everything where I know the sane people would repress. Repressing is for babies though, I mean come on, brains are for using and not just sitting in your head and looking pretty. You can work out stuff.

Admittedly, I've worked less than nothing out. Now I just have no idea whatsoever, don't understand what happened, don't know what I'm doing, don't know what's paranoid and what's realistic and what's rose-coloured, don't know what I should do.

Basically I think I may have inadvertedly confused the hell out of myself. Damn innate tendency to be analytical. It leads me places I don't want to go, like ... did it really happen? did it really ... mean something to persons other than you? is it normal to feel the way you do now, does he feel it too, or are you just a needy annoying freak?

Oh, yes, that reminds me. I felt the impact of a realisation I was only vaguely aware of before: I'm the puppy. Have I used that term here before? You know puppies, they look up at you with big adoring eyes and they'd follow you anywhere but eventually they annoy you to pieces and you have to dump them in a box on the roadside somewhere.

Puppy! Me! Argh! I'm entirely unused to this position. I'm powerless, and the control freak in me writhes in this knowledge. But ... well, but. I would have thought I'd hate it more than I actually do. There's something simple about it, that I guess is enchanting. You know who you are and how you feel, and no amount of overanalysing or turbulence or indecision can change it.

I don't know why I'm writing all this here. I need to bed it I guess, at least for the night, because my head's been spinning around it for days and it's not productive, I know it isn't, especially when I still have an exam left and annoying family/life that require tending to.

You know, I was really happy. when .. and when ... even then ... I.

I can't stop spinning.

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