I know what I'm facing, and what I'm facing, don't know me
2003-06-02 - 11:31 p.m.

Click back for the token happy entry, because this isn't it and as it only took me 6000 calories to get there earlier today I'd rather it wasn't an effort wasted.

Although me using the word effort in the same sentence as myself is debateable, no, laughable.

Systems shut down central over here, I think I've finally recognised it for what it is. The main source of power has been completely dismantled and the back up system only works for about five minutes each day. The rest of the time is just a whole bunch of darkness quietness stillness with me occasionally breaking up the monotony by running through crying screaming shrieking. A nice change of pace in itself but not particularly helpful when all I do is hit walls and chairs and desks, everyday objects that others just glide by but they knock me over push me down and then in defiance of gravity they fall on top of me too.

Lalala, I'll stop metaphorising, overkill just equals melodrama and sounds ever so teen angsty, I'll be writing poetry and beating myself up about being insignificant/ugly in a minute at this marvellous rate.

You know if you think it, you automatically are. So don't think it you'd think the trick would be but it's hard you know, try not thinking about pink elephants.

I'm side skirting, no, I'm not even skirting, my skirts have officially left the building.

Oooh, scary imagery there.

Point: Track four of new Superjesus album is beautiful intoxicating a nauseous but giddy transcendance and I was walking around town today listening to it defying cars to run me over. Somehow it alone is gorgeous enough to make death a happy ending. Not in the me longing for death life is boo-hoo way. But in the way of being able to let go and move onto something else, another state, being okay. I can't explain it at all really.

Point: Mundane is slipping, I get the time for the antibiotics mixed up with the time for the pill, today I ate cookies and chocolate sauce seperately each as a meal, I had long shower and washed hair this morning and realised I hadn't done that in a week, a freaking week, so busy being little miss zombie am I. Don't even think about things like making sure bills are paid or mum hasn't left gas on doors are locked my uni work being started...

Point: Today I had a screaming screaming match with mother, for the first time in ages because I've been doing the guilt-cave/-compromise, and do you know why? She couldn't understand why I had forgotten something. Taking out her problem on me, understandable but I couldn't allow it, I just couldn't, I'm not doing very well at all but I'm trying my hardest and I need her to too if we're going to get through this or even tomorrow. She caved and we move on, we're not okay but we're fine, you know?

Point: I thought it'd be visible by now that I lack one, but oh well. Subsconcious told me last night that I long for people from the past to reappear and feel for me and tell me I'm doing well, because I keep telling myself I'm not, and surprisingly that isn't helping.

Actual Point: I haven't started my assignment yet. That's all. Or enough.


<< >>