I've tried cutting the ropes and I let you go, but you're still the only one that feels like home
2004-11-08 - 5:18 p.m.

It's not easy being green.

I have been doing my vegetation act today. I managed to catch Oprah, Passions, and the Bold and the Beautiful. I haven't changed out of my pyjamas. But I did put a bra on, and that's almost like dressed isn't it, isn't it?

I should be studying or essaying but I just can't.

My head feels like someone implanted tiny chainsaws in there while I wasn't watching. My impression of a train wreck is so damn convincing you'd be surprised I haven't been nominated for an oscar yet.

I'm crashing and I hate myself for it. So I think I'm just going to go crawl back into bed. Eventually I'll get up and feel fine enough or pretend to feel fine enough to keep blundering on. But not right now. I can't I just can't I'm sorry I'm so needy I tried so hard but it's never enough and I have no right no right no right I'm sorry.

I just feel so alone and so helpless and I loathe myself and I'm so so sorry.

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