2003-03-07 - 6:54 p.m.
Today was almost good.
Well, it wasn't bad.
It was okay, it could have been worse.
It wasn't anything really.
I am tired out of my head, damn getting up at around 8 for three mornings in a row.
Still sick, still thirsting, still terrified, still lonesome.
Shiny new textbooks make me happy. Paying $300 for them does not. Damn expensive education. I could have used that money to buy many peanuts, as money can be exchanged for goods and or services.
Or at least some pretty new things.
I worry about uni to stop myself worrying about my mother. When I'm not preoccupied enough little phrases from the meeting I had with the social worker which shredded me completely at the time start running through my head running through my head running through my head running through my head running through my head ...
totally dependent. mirror wills? power of enduring attorney. strong support group? no. need one. too bad. not just her. you too. totally dependent. maybe. very maybe. just me.
There are four people I trust in this world. I don't know how to cope with the serious possibility of losing the one I need so very badly.
I cry but it never feels better. My body isn't capable of producing enough endorphins to make me feel better. There's nothing anyone can say. Being around the other people I trust helps but only to a degree when my father doesn't seem to be taking it seriously, compassionately, and one of my closest friends is in another state, I can't bring myself to tell her... she isn't physically here, I know she would be here for me if she was...
I'm so scared. Trying to hold myself together til Thursday, the actual diagnosis, but it's not working very well as you can see.
I always feared that time would take my parents and the world would take my friends, given time. Someone's just shoved a watch in my face and I'm not coping so well with the late hour.
Oh, forget this all. Don't feel the need to guestbook, any signs of support will just make me cry because this isn't real, this isn't the world I live in, support here does not equate to support there, any support here will just violently underline the general (but not entire) lack of support there.
I'm sorry if I seem angry. There's no-one here to blame. Maybe that's the problem.
Just forget this all. I would if I could.
Ironically, tragically, that might just be what my mother does.
Well, it wasn't bad.
It was okay, it could have been worse.
It wasn't anything really.
I am tired out of my head, damn getting up at around 8 for three mornings in a row.
Still sick, still thirsting, still terrified, still lonesome.
Shiny new textbooks make me happy. Paying $300 for them does not. Damn expensive education. I could have used that money to buy many peanuts, as money can be exchanged for goods and or services.
Or at least some pretty new things.
I worry about uni to stop myself worrying about my mother. When I'm not preoccupied enough little phrases from the meeting I had with the social worker which shredded me completely at the time start running through my head running through my head running through my head running through my head running through my head ...
totally dependent. mirror wills? power of enduring attorney. strong support group? no. need one. too bad. not just her. you too. totally dependent. maybe. very maybe. just me.
There are four people I trust in this world. I don't know how to cope with the serious possibility of losing the one I need so very badly.
I cry but it never feels better. My body isn't capable of producing enough endorphins to make me feel better. There's nothing anyone can say. Being around the other people I trust helps but only to a degree when my father doesn't seem to be taking it seriously, compassionately, and one of my closest friends is in another state, I can't bring myself to tell her... she isn't physically here, I know she would be here for me if she was...
I'm so scared. Trying to hold myself together til Thursday, the actual diagnosis, but it's not working very well as you can see.
I always feared that time would take my parents and the world would take my friends, given time. Someone's just shoved a watch in my face and I'm not coping so well with the late hour.
Oh, forget this all. Don't feel the need to guestbook, any signs of support will just make me cry because this isn't real, this isn't the world I live in, support here does not equate to support there, any support here will just violently underline the general (but not entire) lack of support there.
I'm sorry if I seem angry. There's no-one here to blame. Maybe that's the problem.
Just forget this all. I would if I could.
Ironically, tragically, that might just be what my mother does.
