I started paying for some hope, on an installment plan, but I'm thinking about giving it up because I don't think I can afford it. Not this year.

I'm back. Hello little rut, did you miss me? The marks you'd made on me started to fade while I was away, but I'm back now. I can feel your teeth sinking into the scars. You're the only one who wants me so I can't deny you.

But things are different now. You are not my home, and I know enough to spit at your welcoming arms, though I'll still hide in your embrace.

I don't fit you anymore, but I've got nowhere else to go. I refuse to bother my friends, they've got lives of their own you know. So maybe I'll just crash on your couch for the night, and in the morning I'll...

I can see your sneer. You intend to bind me while I sleep. You don't admit it of course but your seductive grin asserts that you know the knots I might like.

I might have played your games again, if you'd had rope. You used to love using my very own insides to tie me up, watching me writhe in my blood would make your pulse race. I bet you'd wished you had genitals.

But it's all moot now. My insides aren't in my possession anymore, there's nothing left that can tie me back to you. If you tap on my chest there's a resounding hollow, see? Some of it I lost. Some of it shrivelled up and died. And the rest I gave away. Willingly, palms open, heart open; I don't regret that.

But darling this leaves me and you nowhere. I'm sure you'll miss having me on a leash, but you'll find someone else. There are lots of puppies in the world, I should know, I've made out with most of them.

Oh, don't cry. It's not you, it's me. Could we still be friends? Come on, all the cool kids are doing it.

Look, I'm gonna go. Malaise and Starvation always have room for me at their place, and they've always known that they have no real stake in me.

I won't be back to pick up my stuff, just burn it. I'm sure I'll see you around. xxx

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