2002-10-21 - 9:16 p.m.
I think I can now officially accept my crown for "Miss Procrastination" of the year now.
It ain't so bad. I get a sash, and it beats many of my former titles; namely "Miss Uncoordinated" and "Miss Complete-lack-of-social-skills".
I am in a rut. Sadly it seems to be one in a series. Like I step out of my tiny rut and find a much bigger one underneath it.
Eventually (well rather quickly really, I am nothing if not a future candidate for "Miss Short Attention Span 2003") I get tired of trying to struggle my way out of the rut, and I end up living with it... prettying it up occasionally by bringing in some nice tacky curtains and thinking of it as a nice little niche where I belong, but really...
It's a rut.
The memory specialist doctor guy can't see my mother til after christmas. It took us 10 minutes for her to reverse out of our own drive way, again.
And it's not just that, although the memory problems are emphatically serious as they are. She's changed too, and I'm not sure if it's just because she is worried by her memory or because she is going/has gone through "the change" or because it's something more. It's the latter one that worries me.
She used to be so confident even though her english is slightly broken, but now she shrinks away from confrontation in english to unknowns as much as I do. And the other day we had a fight (we always have a fight, I'm pretty sure we've been fighting since I could speak) and she started to cry and had to leave. And then I found her crying in the kitchen while cutting onions, even though she never cries when she cuts onions. And I asked her what was wrong repeatedly, and she just said nothing everytime. All so unlike her, and scary.
I miss my mother.
Here, easy solution, easy solution...
I should get back to my staring at ling work. God, I've been staring blankly at this assignment more than I stare mindlessly at the boys I'm obsessed with.
And that says something.
I'm not sure what though, I haven't been paying attention.
It ain't so bad. I get a sash, and it beats many of my former titles; namely "Miss Uncoordinated" and "Miss Complete-lack-of-social-skills".
I am in a rut. Sadly it seems to be one in a series. Like I step out of my tiny rut and find a much bigger one underneath it.
Eventually (well rather quickly really, I am nothing if not a future candidate for "Miss Short Attention Span 2003") I get tired of trying to struggle my way out of the rut, and I end up living with it... prettying it up occasionally by bringing in some nice tacky curtains and thinking of it as a nice little niche where I belong, but really...
It's a rut.
The memory specialist doctor guy can't see my mother til after christmas. It took us 10 minutes for her to reverse out of our own drive way, again.
And it's not just that, although the memory problems are emphatically serious as they are. She's changed too, and I'm not sure if it's just because she is worried by her memory or because she is going/has gone through "the change" or because it's something more. It's the latter one that worries me.
She used to be so confident even though her english is slightly broken, but now she shrinks away from confrontation in english to unknowns as much as I do. And the other day we had a fight (we always have a fight, I'm pretty sure we've been fighting since I could speak) and she started to cry and had to leave. And then I found her crying in the kitchen while cutting onions, even though she never cries when she cuts onions. And I asked her what was wrong repeatedly, and she just said nothing everytime. All so unlike her, and scary.
I miss my mother.
Here, easy solution, easy solution...
I should get back to my staring at ling work. God, I've been staring blankly at this assignment more than I stare mindlessly at the boys I'm obsessed with.
And that says something.
I'm not sure what though, I haven't been paying attention.
