Diaryland, welcome home. I wrote the entry below yesterday at about 2 during the shut downess. I feel better/worse since then. I Must to uni go for now.

Diaryland go down da hooooole.

I feel cut off. So. The day is beautiful once more but lack of the enjoying it. I think I knew that this was coming. This is why I was so resolved on enjoying yesterday and why I have been stockpiling chocolate.

We had that final doctor's appointment again today. That was hard. My father was acting like a bitch at first and was all refusing to go but was driven by my hysteria.

"I can't go, there isn't enough time to shave! I'll look bad!"
"You'll look worse if you don't even seem to care enough to bother to show up!"
*sob sob, storm off*

Was diagnosis #1 that she had some kind of dementia? I don't remember. Diagnosis #2 is that she has alzheimers. You know, the mental degenerative disease that has no cure.

Yeah.

The meeting was with the doctor she saw, the occupational therapist, the social worker and the head of the department. Little round table. Me. Father.

All I could do was try not to cry. But I basically failed at that.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned how much someone asking me if I'm okay when I'm really not pushes me over the crying edge. But it does. I'm crying now just thinking about it. But you can imagine how much a bunch of caring faces all looking to me would make me lose it.

I'll stop thinking about that part now. Only because I'm about to run out of tissues.

She's not allowed to drive. They're upping her dose of the drug. I have to call the counsellor and arrange an appointment. I have to make a meeting with the occupational therapist. I have to have a chat with our lawyer about their wills. My brother has to be told, somehow.

Are you missing the neon sign above my head that says "Warning: not equipped to cope"? Because apparently everyone at the table did.

All I have are some people's cards and pamphlets... I would be having a mental breakdown about my life in general even if all of this wasn't happening.

I wish I could be another face in the crowd. Just another uni student worrying about her studies. I want my old boring life back. Or even a new boring life. I'd kill to be another girl, worrying over all those stupid things like boys and all that.

But that just isn't the hand I've been dealt.

So. My last two weeks have been bad. I've been trying to anticipate the next source of bad, because if the past two weeks have taught me anything it's that the bad doesn't stop, things don't get better. The whole situation with my brother and entire rest of family being in the dark looks like a source of potential bad. Uni workload could go crazy and be hard putting the k'bosh on plans for the actual having of a future. Oh, oh, here's the good one, the blood tests could come back to find I have cancer and aids, only we didn't notice til now because they've been balancing each other out symptom-wise.

You see the trick is to think happy thoughts.

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