2004-12-29 - 2:16 a.m.
I'm doing that thing again where I stress out and I can't sleep til I pass out. But I'm not really stressed out, in Babs richter it's maybe a three, which is like gentle rocking.
Not related to that at all. Have you been watching the tsunami footage? It's so hard to believe water can do so much damage. That everything, people's entire lives, can just be swept away... And the death toll just climbs up and up, like Jack on the beanstalk.
But tv makes it not feel real. And so the perspective gained from it just doesn't stick with me. Damn self-obsessed me.
WARNING - this entry is quickly about to deteriorate into talk of girly girly things like boys and kissing. If you do not have breasts and/or a vagina and a working gag reflex then just don't continue unless you're a gay male maybe. but even then, proceed with caution. and if you happen to have some relation to the above girly categories and me for the love of god don't go on. I promise you there's nothing interesting down there, nothing you want to read certainly, and I know that just makes it sounds more tempting but honestly it isn't. Okay?
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... Okay it probably wasn't worth that much warning, but I just didn't want anyone thinking there was any intellectual content below this line.
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1. I'm at an impasse in my head. It's lovely-x related who I swore on graves and graves of undead people I would stop mentioning, but I'm going crazy with this in my head, and so I think it just needs to be written out.
I went a bit cold turkey on contacting him because he's not really contactable and that cuts and magnifies the missing of him. So the missing has quietened down a bit now, and I do a superb imitation of sane, but he's not around to see it, and that somehow undoes the prior statement to the point where I'm bouncing-off-the-walls-type-crazy. And I can't go to him to quiet the crazy, because:
(a) it's my crazy not his and even though just breathing near him would fix it, I can't be dependent on him because
(b) I shouldn't be dependent on anyone, girl power, something something;
and (c) I hate being a burden, especially to him, and considering my past terribly hysterical behaviour it feels like that's all I could be to him now, just worthless, spineless dead weight that has to be carried, and as much as I'm going crazy here I can't stand the possibility of that. And it seems like an ever so tangible possibility. Because he knows how to contact me, knows all the numbers and addresses but he never initiates, rarely responds, and it's too hard to believe that I'd mean anything to him now.
And that on top of everything makes for crazyness, because I still can't imagine a future without him in it, literally. I try to think of future events like birthday and graduation and I can't see them at all without imagining him there and I have a feeling I'm going to have to get very very used to imagining.
And that makes me crazy, because I'm sure he doesn't think about me at all, and if he knew I was going this completely crazy it would disturb him and he could rightfully call me a big freak.
But I can't seem to help it, it's seeped into my subconscious, like glorious red wine on boring white carpet. Like the other night I dreamed I was a lesbian which was all dandy for a moment til I found out lovely-x had somehow been put into the body of a woman, and then even in the dream I was like "DAMNIT!" because not even becoming a lesbian meant I could escape feelings for lovely-x.
Hehe, so there goes plan B. What ever am I going to do with my year of 2005 then? I am quite heartily resolving it will be the year of no-guys. If any guys try to wander in to my life in anything more than a friends capacity I will smack them down.
2. The same applies to any stray tongues that attempt to wander into my mouth. I think I've figured out my main problem there, in so much as the initial point where I start to go wrong. Actually no, the initial point is me being too flirty. I have this horrible tendency of flirting without noticing it, and the bad part is that I really mean nothing by it, I'm just being friendly because I'm comfortable, whereas if I actually have any interest in someone I'll be all nervous and quiet... and the signals of non-interest I do send get lost in translation, like my lack of volunteering information about self and more importantly not bothering to find out anything about them, that all gets turned into "mysterious" and "aloof".
case in point: guy in thingy, umm, noosa - I never bothered to ask his name -- shelley told me later. Even though I distinctly recall him asking my name, I at no point thought to check his, and I can't even blame it on alcohol because I hadn't even been drinking...
case in point: recent giant mistake. conversation went much like this -- him "so what do you do?" me "not much." him "are you a student then?" me "you could say that." him "how old are you?" me "how old do you think I am?"
So anyway that's the first bad part, and we're already aware of the esteem problems that make me not just push them off and walk away, but there's also an esteem thing playing in the middle -- I never anticipate that a guy is going to kiss me, never ever ever. Even though the writer in me later observes as blindingly obvious - like being drunkenly lured into dark corner (he asked me to sit, and my legs were tired, so I agreed and didn't think much of it) or how about the classic classic one where he got asking about all the raw issues in your life and got you crying and which gave him the perfect opportunity to kiss it better, hmm?
Those make me shudder, actually. They may have been puppies but I think I was the one that got played.
More reason to just stay the hell away from anything that claims it's male, probably, but this is not the point. Back to: not anticipating being kissed. self esteem not good so I seriously do not understand the mind frame of anyone wanting to kiss me, ever. thus I do not anticipate, ever.
Thus for the purposes of noguys 2005, I may have to just start believing that all guys want to kiss me, all the time. Hah. It's going to be a funny little year, I think.
My last year of my degree, ye gads, can you believe it?? My beautiful little double degree that qualifies me for nothing.
You know what I just realised with all this talk of mouth movement? I've never initiated a first kiss, unless you count eyelash fluttering and ... uh ... actually let's not go there. I mean in so much as the final mouth-to-mouth movement. Have you? I ask the chick population who read this (actually most people who read this are chicks. yay! hurrah for chicks! ... aww, I'da been such a good lesbian.)
My lack of makes me wonder if it's a patriarchal thing or if it's just low-self-esteem-girl thing or what. If anyone made it reading this far in this godforsakenly long entry and has initiated a first kiss, then guestbook me about it - the who's and why's and how was's it. ciao bellas. xxx
Not related to that at all. Have you been watching the tsunami footage? It's so hard to believe water can do so much damage. That everything, people's entire lives, can just be swept away... And the death toll just climbs up and up, like Jack on the beanstalk.
But tv makes it not feel real. And so the perspective gained from it just doesn't stick with me. Damn self-obsessed me.
WARNING - this entry is quickly about to deteriorate into talk of girly girly things like boys and kissing. If you do not have breasts and/or a vagina and a working gag reflex then just don't continue unless you're a gay male maybe. but even then, proceed with caution. and if you happen to have some relation to the above girly categories and me for the love of god don't go on. I promise you there's nothing interesting down there, nothing you want to read certainly, and I know that just makes it sounds more tempting but honestly it isn't. Okay?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
... Okay it probably wasn't worth that much warning, but I just didn't want anyone thinking there was any intellectual content below this line.
1. I'm at an impasse in my head. It's lovely-x related who I swore on graves and graves of undead people I would stop mentioning, but I'm going crazy with this in my head, and so I think it just needs to be written out.
I went a bit cold turkey on contacting him because he's not really contactable and that cuts and magnifies the missing of him. So the missing has quietened down a bit now, and I do a superb imitation of sane, but he's not around to see it, and that somehow undoes the prior statement to the point where I'm bouncing-off-the-walls-type-crazy. And I can't go to him to quiet the crazy, because:
(a) it's my crazy not his and even though just breathing near him would fix it, I can't be dependent on him because
(b) I shouldn't be dependent on anyone, girl power, something something;
and (c) I hate being a burden, especially to him, and considering my past terribly hysterical behaviour it feels like that's all I could be to him now, just worthless, spineless dead weight that has to be carried, and as much as I'm going crazy here I can't stand the possibility of that. And it seems like an ever so tangible possibility. Because he knows how to contact me, knows all the numbers and addresses but he never initiates, rarely responds, and it's too hard to believe that I'd mean anything to him now.
And that on top of everything makes for crazyness, because I still can't imagine a future without him in it, literally. I try to think of future events like birthday and graduation and I can't see them at all without imagining him there and I have a feeling I'm going to have to get very very used to imagining.
And that makes me crazy, because I'm sure he doesn't think about me at all, and if he knew I was going this completely crazy it would disturb him and he could rightfully call me a big freak.
But I can't seem to help it, it's seeped into my subconscious, like glorious red wine on boring white carpet. Like the other night I dreamed I was a lesbian which was all dandy for a moment til I found out lovely-x had somehow been put into the body of a woman, and then even in the dream I was like "DAMNIT!" because not even becoming a lesbian meant I could escape feelings for lovely-x.
Hehe, so there goes plan B. What ever am I going to do with my year of 2005 then? I am quite heartily resolving it will be the year of no-guys. If any guys try to wander in to my life in anything more than a friends capacity I will smack them down.
2. The same applies to any stray tongues that attempt to wander into my mouth. I think I've figured out my main problem there, in so much as the initial point where I start to go wrong. Actually no, the initial point is me being too flirty. I have this horrible tendency of flirting without noticing it, and the bad part is that I really mean nothing by it, I'm just being friendly because I'm comfortable, whereas if I actually have any interest in someone I'll be all nervous and quiet... and the signals of non-interest I do send get lost in translation, like my lack of volunteering information about self and more importantly not bothering to find out anything about them, that all gets turned into "mysterious" and "aloof".
case in point: guy in thingy, umm, noosa - I never bothered to ask his name -- shelley told me later. Even though I distinctly recall him asking my name, I at no point thought to check his, and I can't even blame it on alcohol because I hadn't even been drinking...
case in point: recent giant mistake. conversation went much like this -- him "so what do you do?" me "not much." him "are you a student then?" me "you could say that." him "how old are you?" me "how old do you think I am?"
So anyway that's the first bad part, and we're already aware of the esteem problems that make me not just push them off and walk away, but there's also an esteem thing playing in the middle -- I never anticipate that a guy is going to kiss me, never ever ever. Even though the writer in me later observes as blindingly obvious - like being drunkenly lured into dark corner (he asked me to sit, and my legs were tired, so I agreed and didn't think much of it) or how about the classic classic one where he got asking about all the raw issues in your life and got you crying and which gave him the perfect opportunity to kiss it better, hmm?
Those make me shudder, actually. They may have been puppies but I think I was the one that got played.
More reason to just stay the hell away from anything that claims it's male, probably, but this is not the point. Back to: not anticipating being kissed. self esteem not good so I seriously do not understand the mind frame of anyone wanting to kiss me, ever. thus I do not anticipate, ever.
Thus for the purposes of noguys 2005, I may have to just start believing that all guys want to kiss me, all the time. Hah. It's going to be a funny little year, I think.
My last year of my degree, ye gads, can you believe it?? My beautiful little double degree that qualifies me for nothing.
You know what I just realised with all this talk of mouth movement? I've never initiated a first kiss, unless you count eyelash fluttering and ... uh ... actually let's not go there. I mean in so much as the final mouth-to-mouth movement. Have you? I ask the chick population who read this (actually most people who read this are chicks. yay! hurrah for chicks! ... aww, I'da been such a good lesbian.)
My lack of makes me wonder if it's a patriarchal thing or if it's just low-self-esteem-girl thing or what. If anyone made it reading this far in this godforsakenly long entry and has initiated a first kiss, then guestbook me about it - the who's and why's and how was's it. ciao bellas. xxx
