Keep me up til midnight dreaming
2002-11-02 - 8:59 p.m.

Love and marriage... something something.

I like to bask in the glow of it all, a combined sense of "Aw!" and "You know you'll never have this, or anything like it, right?"

I don't see anybody ever wanting me plainly because, how could they when I don't?

You'd think these insecurities (and many others...) were new somehow with their sudden prominent diaryland appearance but truth be told they are just sad faded apparitions that have been with me for a long time... only now they have decided to draw attention to themselves by becoming semi-aloud.

When I'm not keeping busy they appear and dance around in a little jig type thing, causing me to reflect with some sadness upon things. That's basically the extent of our relationship.

Is it sad that the only place I feel comfortable using the word 'relationship' in regards to my life is in defining the links between me and my own little demons.

No question marks because it cannot be marked as a question, we all know the answer.

I retract calling my problems 'demons'. It gives them an exaggerated appearance. I'm sure no one but me sees them as more than vaguely elfish at best.

I know my problems are nothing compared with everybody else's, or the plight of humanity in general.

I know I'm nothing to you.

I couldn't ever ask for help, wouldn't even dare, no matter how much I want it, because I know others need it more. I don't want to waste someone's time with me.

But I'm doing it right now. So I'll stop...

It's all inconsequential anyway. Late essays and assignments are hanging over my head, is all.

I forget how good I am at being delusional.

And now I am floating
In a land of confusion
Or is it reality
Or just an illusion,
Nothing makes sense
No start and no end
When you get more is when you get bored
When you get bored is when you get something


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