Starvation, starvation, eat eat eat.

I'm going into patterns of excess and then neglect, or vice versa, in all parts of life right now.

Not saying it's bad... it's just probably not normal.

I keep checking whether every other guy in my line of vision is SmartGuy. I keep hoping I'll run into him and sanity ensues. I think it's weird that I miss someone I never knew more than I imagined.

Woo, go the being able to read that sentence two ways.

I worked a five hour shift today without break. I don't think I get overtime but everyone says I should.

Work has me feeling uneasy. I don't want to leave it so much anymore... okay it's tiring as hell and the travel kills much of my spare time and the pay isn't exactly fantastic, but...the new job will be boring to the power of ten, I'll definitely be paid even less, and I'm really, really going to miss the people. And not just the one with nice hair.

I love the way everyone there is so friendly and open. Because it makes me more friendly and open.

I hate the way I feel shut off from the world. I hate that sometimes I want to speak but I want to so badly that I can't even make a distinguishable syllable, I just trip over my tongue or I overthink it and say it at below volume and... just generally stuff up.

I wish I could just relax all the time, like those few moments with strangers I can count on one hand, where I'm as charming as my father (and you can finally notice that I really am his daughter)...

I want to let go but I don't know how. That's generally what this entry is about. Except for the part about work where I don't really want to let go at all, and where I'm pretty sure decisions that seemed right at the time don't feel right anymore.

I'm a bit of a mess right now but since I'm never not I must be okay... right? Except for just then when I tried to spell 'okay' as 'oaky'. Because, you know, wood, is good.

Rhyming. The sign of communicative doom for me. Think I'll go read my tarot cards, as there is no enlightenment to be had anywhere else.

Prove me wrong.

Funny that just as I wrote that, some of John Mayer's lyrics played out:

Scared of the world outside you should go explore
Pull down the shades and wander the great indoors
Though lately I can't blame you
I have seen the world
And sometimes wish your room had room for two

So go unlock the door
And find what you are here for

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