2003-02-09 - 11:07 p.m.
Today I spent an hour behind the wheel of a car the first time.
The steering wheel, obviously, as if it had been the tire-y kind I doubt I would be able to write this entry to you from intensive care.
I suck at driving, but all learners suck, right? It was weird. I was doing the steering, speeding up and braking, and yet...
It didn't feel like any of my actions were at all connected to what the car was doing. Like the way anything I do in my life feels in no way connected to anything that happens in my life.
Don't mind me, I'm having control issues, fitting in issues and blah.
Too used to being[/thinking I am] ineffectual.
My father was teaching me. He said I just need to get used to the car. And then I will understand where it's going when I turn the steering that far left, and how to straighten out and...
Why aren't I used to this life by now. Why am I half teen angsty, and half teen queen. It's so not a pleasant combination. Why are my biggest aspirations to just get what everyone else has, to ascend to normalcy.
Fate guided my hand just then and answered the above question by causing me to spill a bottle of water on my lap.
Talk about wake up calls.
I came a little close to swiping my Dad's van with our other car while driving. That made me laugh, because it would mean I would have managed to ruin both his cars in one hit.
Until my laughter made me lose focus and swerve towards the van some more. Oops. But it was okay, I was only going about 2kms an hour.
Work today too and am so dead now because of. Sundays always deaden me. Craig, one of the supervisors, found out I was leaving. Maybe it was on the roster or something. Maybe he heard it from Clarissa or Claire. I don't know.
May have referred to Craig in non nice words in the early stages of work. But I understand him now. He asked me when I was going in ths soft voice that you only hear him use occasionally. That was aw.
So very many hours checkoutchicking with him around. Now I understand that his shortness in speech isn't marked with distaste at all, that's just the way I perceived it. And I love the hint of amusement in his voice when something funny happened, or when I had one of my stupid-babs moments...
Time holds many secrets, but it tells a few as well. I even kind of understand Jan now... and that says something.
People are so intriguing. I love being around them. I'm going to miss that about checkoutchicking... it won't be like that at uni, where for some reason the cage that had me in highschool has constricted even further to the point where I can barely breathe and my arms and legs are sticking out and I'm walking around, caged.
So if you see a girl walking around UNSW in a cage that's me. I'm not sure you'd notice, it was once the fashion and probably will be one day again...
My top is wet from the water spillage. Time to throw in the towel, or go find one and dry off rather.
The steering wheel, obviously, as if it had been the tire-y kind I doubt I would be able to write this entry to you from intensive care.
I suck at driving, but all learners suck, right? It was weird. I was doing the steering, speeding up and braking, and yet...
It didn't feel like any of my actions were at all connected to what the car was doing. Like the way anything I do in my life feels in no way connected to anything that happens in my life.
Don't mind me, I'm having control issues, fitting in issues and blah.
Too used to being[/thinking I am] ineffectual.
My father was teaching me. He said I just need to get used to the car. And then I will understand where it's going when I turn the steering that far left, and how to straighten out and...
Why aren't I used to this life by now. Why am I half teen angsty, and half teen queen. It's so not a pleasant combination. Why are my biggest aspirations to just get what everyone else has, to ascend to normalcy.
Fate guided my hand just then and answered the above question by causing me to spill a bottle of water on my lap.
Talk about wake up calls.
I came a little close to swiping my Dad's van with our other car while driving. That made me laugh, because it would mean I would have managed to ruin both his cars in one hit.
Until my laughter made me lose focus and swerve towards the van some more. Oops. But it was okay, I was only going about 2kms an hour.
Work today too and am so dead now because of. Sundays always deaden me. Craig, one of the supervisors, found out I was leaving. Maybe it was on the roster or something. Maybe he heard it from Clarissa or Claire. I don't know.
May have referred to Craig in non nice words in the early stages of work. But I understand him now. He asked me when I was going in ths soft voice that you only hear him use occasionally. That was aw.
So very many hours checkoutchicking with him around. Now I understand that his shortness in speech isn't marked with distaste at all, that's just the way I perceived it. And I love the hint of amusement in his voice when something funny happened, or when I had one of my stupid-babs moments...
Time holds many secrets, but it tells a few as well. I even kind of understand Jan now... and that says something.
People are so intriguing. I love being around them. I'm going to miss that about checkoutchicking... it won't be like that at uni, where for some reason the cage that had me in highschool has constricted even further to the point where I can barely breathe and my arms and legs are sticking out and I'm walking around, caged.
So if you see a girl walking around UNSW in a cage that's me. I'm not sure you'd notice, it was once the fashion and probably will be one day again...
My top is wet from the water spillage. Time to throw in the towel, or go find one and dry off rather.
