2002-03-21 - 6:41 p.m.
[Slightly bemused by the total rejection]
How are you? I'm quietly miserable but maybe it's just the weather, or perhaps I am hormonal.
Or maybe it's just me.
Evidence would support hormonal. I worked the other night and had a particularly crap shift. The conveyor belt was stupid and nonworking, my eftpos terminal thing broke and we ran out of bags for heavy items. Anyway, Craig (one of the guys who 'works on the floor' kind of supervisor who isn't particularly noteworthy) stuck up a 'Cash Only' sign on my register but some old bat stood in line for 10 minutes before noticing the sign and then told me off for it.
Despite being well on the way to disgruntled check out chick-dom, when the lady I was serving at the time kindly told me it was not my fault I practically burst into tears, but managed not to let on that I couldn't even see properly because of all the tears in my eyes...
I had to walk home yesterday, in heels. Too much whistling and staring from cars ... and I had to walk by the football field where footballers were leaving ... I was walking on the edge of the road (no path and you so can not walk on grass in those shoes), and they left in two cars one of which came relatively close to swiping me, despite having plenty of road ... bastards.
And then today it rained and I froze. I waited for my bus this time though and got off at my stop, 3 minutes away from my house and yet still did not manage to avoid the whistling, goddamn.
And if that wasn't bad enough, to top it all off earlier when I got on the bus from Uni to Maroubra not only did the bus driver ask for my I.D. (Hello! Of course I'm a concession, I'm getting on in front of a Uni!) I noticed that the bus was half-filled with Waverley boys (The boys highschool down the road from my girls highschool), so I was like Grrr.
You can't imagine my semi-hysterical mortification when one of them, probably in Year 9 or 10 said to me "Would you like to sit down, ma'am?" and made a sweeping motion with his arm to the seat he had vacated on my behalf. I almost laughed in his face but managed to stop myself by blurting out "No, thanks..."
A few months out of high school and I'm being called ma'am.... Before I wanted to laugh but now I'd much rather prefer to cry ... Too bad I don't have the tears in me.
Things are so fine that they're practically painful. Uni is fine, work is fine. I have fourteen hours of each every week, no time to myself really, but I guess this is what I always wanted, a life.
I miss not having one, although I don't really have one where it counts. I meet a few new people in Uni every week, but they aren't friends, not really at all. And my old friends move on. I don't blame them. And my lovelife remains the sad blank canvas it's always been, and...
Sometimes you have to take a second to breathe.
[In the shape of things to come
Too much poison
Come undone]
I concentrate so much on going through the motions that I only notice that I'm doing it when I pause, and even then I only use that moment to loathe those who pity themselves, maybe because I can't do the same...
Switch gears, not that I know how to do that since I haven't got my L's yet, damnit. Although not that I will ever know since I'll be driving an automatic... almost a metaphor.
Last night I had the strangest dream, that someone my mother used to babysit for was actually my boss at Coles except it wasn't Coles, it was something fashion-related. And there was a huge uproar about this guy who had impregnated this other woman with his wife's baby (figure that one out) and there was this 'court case' for it in this huge arena, because all three parties wanted to keep the baby, and I was on the side of the wife ... and when it looked like she was losing I started jumping up and down yelling "Screw this!" and then another guy started doing it, and another, and then Tony Lee Scott started doing it, and before you can say "Where the hell is he, anyway?" there were a thousand people jumping up and down screaming "Screw this!"
... it's a strange turn the legal system has taken in my subconscious.
I'm tired now but not in the physical sense, more like 'worn' in the sense that my patterns have faded and nothing much remains of me but scraggly little tatters... Going now. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll pass out!*
*said with pure optimism and a little smile
[Sucker love, I always find
Someone to bruise and leave behind
All alone in space and time
There's nothing here
But what here's mine]
How are you? I'm quietly miserable but maybe it's just the weather, or perhaps I am hormonal.
Or maybe it's just me.
Evidence would support hormonal. I worked the other night and had a particularly crap shift. The conveyor belt was stupid and nonworking, my eftpos terminal thing broke and we ran out of bags for heavy items. Anyway, Craig (one of the guys who 'works on the floor' kind of supervisor who isn't particularly noteworthy) stuck up a 'Cash Only' sign on my register but some old bat stood in line for 10 minutes before noticing the sign and then told me off for it.
Despite being well on the way to disgruntled check out chick-dom, when the lady I was serving at the time kindly told me it was not my fault I practically burst into tears, but managed not to let on that I couldn't even see properly because of all the tears in my eyes...
I had to walk home yesterday, in heels. Too much whistling and staring from cars ... and I had to walk by the football field where footballers were leaving ... I was walking on the edge of the road (no path and you so can not walk on grass in those shoes), and they left in two cars one of which came relatively close to swiping me, despite having plenty of road ... bastards.
And then today it rained and I froze. I waited for my bus this time though and got off at my stop, 3 minutes away from my house and yet still did not manage to avoid the whistling, goddamn.
And if that wasn't bad enough, to top it all off earlier when I got on the bus from Uni to Maroubra not only did the bus driver ask for my I.D. (Hello! Of course I'm a concession, I'm getting on in front of a Uni!) I noticed that the bus was half-filled with Waverley boys (The boys highschool down the road from my girls highschool), so I was like Grrr.
You can't imagine my semi-hysterical mortification when one of them, probably in Year 9 or 10 said to me "Would you like to sit down, ma'am?" and made a sweeping motion with his arm to the seat he had vacated on my behalf. I almost laughed in his face but managed to stop myself by blurting out "No, thanks..."
A few months out of high school and I'm being called ma'am.... Before I wanted to laugh but now I'd much rather prefer to cry ... Too bad I don't have the tears in me.
Things are so fine that they're practically painful. Uni is fine, work is fine. I have fourteen hours of each every week, no time to myself really, but I guess this is what I always wanted, a life.
I miss not having one, although I don't really have one where it counts. I meet a few new people in Uni every week, but they aren't friends, not really at all. And my old friends move on. I don't blame them. And my lovelife remains the sad blank canvas it's always been, and...
Sometimes you have to take a second to breathe.
[In the shape of things to come
Too much poison
Come undone]
I concentrate so much on going through the motions that I only notice that I'm doing it when I pause, and even then I only use that moment to loathe those who pity themselves, maybe because I can't do the same...
Switch gears, not that I know how to do that since I haven't got my L's yet, damnit. Although not that I will ever know since I'll be driving an automatic... almost a metaphor.
Last night I had the strangest dream, that someone my mother used to babysit for was actually my boss at Coles except it wasn't Coles, it was something fashion-related. And there was a huge uproar about this guy who had impregnated this other woman with his wife's baby (figure that one out) and there was this 'court case' for it in this huge arena, because all three parties wanted to keep the baby, and I was on the side of the wife ... and when it looked like she was losing I started jumping up and down yelling "Screw this!" and then another guy started doing it, and another, and then Tony Lee Scott started doing it, and before you can say "Where the hell is he, anyway?" there were a thousand people jumping up and down screaming "Screw this!"
... it's a strange turn the legal system has taken in my subconscious.
I'm tired now but not in the physical sense, more like 'worn' in the sense that my patterns have faded and nothing much remains of me but scraggly little tatters... Going now. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll pass out!*
*said with pure optimism and a little smile
[Sucker love, I always find
Someone to bruise and leave behind
All alone in space and time
There's nothing here
But what here's mine]
