[I'm falling fast
Like an avalanche]

Just thought I'd share that with you, I'm listening to Big Distraction by No Doubt. Love this song ...

Meanwhile, I think it's official now. I am going to die at age thirty-four. Maybe not a full life, but at least I won't be all haggard and old looking.

Hopefully ...

What has forced me to draw this conclusion? Simply this - at age seventeen, I appear to be having a mild midlife crisis.

I want a baby. Every night for the past week I've dreamt of one, and I should probably be less literal in my interpretation but that doesn't change the fact that I want one. Maybe I was a married peasant girl in a former life who had children at this age. Maybe I should just try to find work babysitting.

I don't know.

It's really hard to watch your parents get older. Especially from my age, when I'm still partially depending on them. My dad's hearing is really starting to go and my mother's memory is shattering already. Maybe I just want to breed so I won't be alone when they die.

I hate this feeling. It's like I'm waiting for it just so I won't be unprepared when it happens. It's hard to live while bracing yourself.

I hate that somewhere along the line, I turned into the parent in my family. Clear example of this is when my mother cut her finger badly and as I bandaged it up for her she looked at me and said in a trembling voice "Ow, ow, it really hurts, Barbara, ow,"

I miss being the child. I miss not having to look after myself. I miss not having to look after them. And I hate that it will only get worse from here.

Getting depressed so let's change topics. I think I am officially a chocolate addict. When I found out my mother had bought maltesers from school children selling them for a fundraiser I literally ransacked the house looking for them.

I think I become more determined to find and devour if I know it's hidden.

Anyway, I found and gorged, past the point of fullness and even nausea. I have no control again and that's depressing in itself but at least I can't bring myself to sticking my fingers down my throat.

And yet I can't bring myself to see it as a positive. Oh sarcastic yay, I think I just may have upgraded myself from wanna-be anorexic to wanna-be bulimic.

I wish Lent was here already. Last year, using Lent as the excuse, I managed to rope myself under control ... hoping for a repeat this year. Not to mention that Lent means Easter, and Easter means ...

Eas-ta show! I for one am looking forward to the corn, toffee apples, showbags, ice cream, and games which steal money. Yay!

I am putting aloe vera on my skin, to get rid of my "track marks" as Shelley so fondly calls them {not}. It seems to be staining my skin yellow and I have to wonder whether or not this is a good thing.

Plus, did you know that aloe vera straight from the plant has this really funky smell? Funky in a bad way.

And of course I kind of wonder about the effects of chlorophyll on skin. If I turn green by this time tomorrow feel free to plant me.

Preferrably in some place with a lot of sun. Maybe I can tan in plant form.

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