maybe you were all faster than me
2005-01-07 - 1:42 a.m.

I was fighting ghosts and there was a tsunami, and I sheltered in a skyscraper which floated away and began to fill with water, and so I climbed up and up and up, unwilling to give up but knowing I would die.

And then I woke up.

It's weird the stuff your subconscious tells you when you're sleeping.

The dreams all start the same lately, I wake up in bed and think someone is missing, so I go looking for them.

Someone may as well just crown me the queen of transparency already. Do I get a sceptre? Because, I've always wanted a...

Probably not the point.

I'm self-contained. I am putting a lid made out of me on myself. I ask my reflection if this'll do and she says "We're gonna need a bigger boat."

Can you be complete within yourself?

I have been imitating still life, and upon realising this some little monitor inside my brain tilts it's head and says "Y'know, I don't think you're quite well."

I think, therefore I am ... pah. I think therefore I am going crazy. You do therefore you are. You need verbs to define yourself by, otherwise you can't exist, because nothing that exists does nothing.

Without being able to relate yourself to something else you're lost. Or at least I am. I don't know if this is okay. I might just be dehydrated.

I'm trying to teach myself to be happy alone. It's a trial and error type process. Mostly error.

Not alone as in lonely, alone as in... unsatisfied. Hungry. In all the ways. There's so much wrong that it's too overwhelming to make right. And starving is just so simple.

I feel like I'm walking the path that ends with me being that crazy lady on the street. And that's a little completely terrifying actually.

Have I gone backward, or forward, or zegward. If I had a compass and a map and some vodka I might be able to figure it out.

Am I okay? Could... could you tell me?

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