pray to Sony my soul to keep
2005-01-02 - 12:28 a.m.

So it's 2005. Who would have thought this year would arrive and not see us having hover crafts instead of cars, teleportation devices instead of planes, and a nifty little cure for cancer?

I want a hover craft damnit.

I made no resolutions, except for the "nada-el-mano" rule, which I don't really think counts as a resolution since I highly doubt it will require much being resolute on my part. El manos, they be avoidable, non? Si, si, but feel free to make bets on when and whether I'll crack.

I have no expectations of 2005. 2004 taught me that sometimes life gets in the way of your plans for living. 2004 also gave me a firmer realisation of who I am, though whether this was good or useful insight remains to be seen.

And things generally got a little better. I got a little wiser, which admittedly is not that hard to do when you're starting out at a negative amount of wisdom.

I've resigned myself to situations that are out of my control. I still haven't really figured out that some things are in my control, and this is probably detrimental. Seligman's shocked puppy who doesn't know she can get up, etc.

I still don't... well, let's not go there. It's all relative anyway, most people still don't lots of things, if you can see what I am trying to quite ungrammatically say.

So, 2004. I did... lots of things I didn't know I was capable of doing. I didn't fail any of my uni courses despite lack of effort and extreme disinterest.

I fell in love. I really had no idea I was capable of that, so that was a very shiny new learning curve. Still learning a lot off that... some good, like that when I know what I want, I'll stand up for it, regardless of the consequences ... and some not so good, like that my only coping strategies, catastrophising and panic, are seriously damaging in the short term, in several ways.

I could probably write a thesis on what I've learned from that, which is kind of funny since it didn't really take up much of 2004. What else happened? I can't even remember. I guess I can always go back and read the entries. Thanks diaryland.

I went and read my old locked diary the other day, and it was interesting, because I can finally see that I've changed. I'm not so woe about everything even though now I have more to woe about... which sounds surprising, I know, considering I'm still a prima donna angst queen at times. But really, I had a lot more ... self-loathing then, whereas now it's more general disquiet and life-related turbulence.

I'm still an overly emotional and overly open person, and something from society makes me feel ashamed of that, but I'm not sure I should be. More thought later.

Okay, I'm really sick of reflecting upon me. 2005, welcome. Try not to suck and I'll scratch your back or send you a fruit basket or something.

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