2004-06-04 - 4:44 p.m.
It's really hard to be legitimately mad at someone when you're constantly illegitimately mad at them.
Right now is a strange culmination of a health psychology lesson, what I had always believed, and a conversation with my father.
Arhhhh... sooo... frustrated.
You know, my mother messed me over when I was growing up in a number of ways, and I've always known this - come to terms with it in my own way. But I found out today it was possibly more ways than I realised.
See, in health psych, there's this thing, where if your parents are too controlling of your eating habits then you won't learn to regulate them yourself and you're basically screwed when you get older.
And that's me, to a bloody big capital T. My mother was a food nazi, she made me eat when I didn't want to, and though Dad was ultimately more relaxed, he wasn't around as much and didn't have control over the way she did things with me.
But you know, that's forgiveableish, I know she meant well even though she was so wrong. But I was talking about how upset I was about her actions with dad earlier, and I said "It was really bad for me, you know? I know it's not like she hit me or anything..."
And so of course my Dad then told me about the time I was around four years old and he'd come home to find my legs black, bruised. He can't remember why, but she'd beaten me. He said he'd nearly hit her for that.
FUCK.
(a) She always told me she never, she would never. have effectively been lied to all my life.
(b) How could she? I was little and helpless and adorable and I loved her. How could she?
(c) I will never, would never, could never, do that. FUCK discipline.
And I can't even bring it up, because chances are she won't remember. Can't even be mad at her, how can I? I'm already fucked over because she's fucked over and I'm fucked up because she fucked up, though I'm probably fucked up regardless.
And... I mean.... fuck.
It was just a little shocking to me, and it's wearing off now, and I'll be fine in the morning. Confused, but fine. I just needed my venting space. And she made my brother eat until he threw up! It's strange realising how much we really have in common...
Right now is a strange culmination of a health psychology lesson, what I had always believed, and a conversation with my father.
Arhhhh... sooo... frustrated.
You know, my mother messed me over when I was growing up in a number of ways, and I've always known this - come to terms with it in my own way. But I found out today it was possibly more ways than I realised.
See, in health psych, there's this thing, where if your parents are too controlling of your eating habits then you won't learn to regulate them yourself and you're basically screwed when you get older.
And that's me, to a bloody big capital T. My mother was a food nazi, she made me eat when I didn't want to, and though Dad was ultimately more relaxed, he wasn't around as much and didn't have control over the way she did things with me.
But you know, that's forgiveableish, I know she meant well even though she was so wrong. But I was talking about how upset I was about her actions with dad earlier, and I said "It was really bad for me, you know? I know it's not like she hit me or anything..."
And so of course my Dad then told me about the time I was around four years old and he'd come home to find my legs black, bruised. He can't remember why, but she'd beaten me. He said he'd nearly hit her for that.
FUCK.
(a) She always told me she never, she would never. have effectively been lied to all my life.
(b) How could she? I was little and helpless and adorable and I loved her. How could she?
(c) I will never, would never, could never, do that. FUCK discipline.
And I can't even bring it up, because chances are she won't remember. Can't even be mad at her, how can I? I'm already fucked over because she's fucked over and I'm fucked up because she fucked up, though I'm probably fucked up regardless.
And... I mean.... fuck.
It was just a little shocking to me, and it's wearing off now, and I'll be fine in the morning. Confused, but fine. I just needed my venting space. And she made my brother eat until he threw up! It's strange realising how much we really have in common...
