2003-05-02 - 8:55 p.m.
Sitting around on the internet is bad. I end up looking for things that will me make me cry a river.
Had to insert the Justin Timberlake reference before I lose all humour.
Yesterday was me looking at pages which assured me that I'm doomed academically; today I had the brilliant (underline sarcasm) idea of looking up all the alzheimer's research that we're going to be studying in class so when it's mentioned in class I can hopefully contain myself with the not crying.
In reality I think this just means as well as crying now, later on when the information hits me afresh I can do it all over again, crying like I've never cried before.
Perhaps now would be a good time to send me to the outback, if we could get the salinity out of my tears I'd teach that drought who's boss.
Lame humour is obviously all I have right now.
The social worker called me again, I forgot to mention. It was during class and my phone was not on silent so I had to hang up really quickly. Threw the phone back in my bag, and couldn't go back to writing the notes because my hands were shaking so badly.
She's calling to see if I'm doing okay, and I'm not, so I'd rather not talk to her because every time I've seen her it mainly involved me crying massive amounts and in the end never feeling any better.
And that makes me feel useless too, all the crying, I know it's useless. But it isn't like there is a solution to our problems, there is no cure or even very effective treatment, there is no hope of recovery. This isn't like existential angst or body image problems or anything I've had to face before. Stuff that in actuality I didn't even manage to face, I just avoided it to death.
But this time the thing that's wrecking me is the time limit on her head. We could manage okay if this was the worst it got. But it won't be, things will degenerate and could go at any given moment. That's one of the hardest parts.
And so today leaves me with the sadly non melodramatic realisation that all the times I thought things weren't okay, they really weren't so far from it, and they'll never be that close to it again.
I should have ended it there. But... things don't ever stop when I finish an entry, so there's something more. My closest friends, they all rock very much, and I'm forever grateful to them. The old gang. Old skool. Word.
Okay, a little carried away. Just a tad.
But false prophets, they undo me, irk me, make me regret things I otherwise wouldn't have and make me insecure - none of which I can stand at all right now, so no more. No more.
Had to insert the Justin Timberlake reference before I lose all humour.
Yesterday was me looking at pages which assured me that I'm doomed academically; today I had the brilliant (underline sarcasm) idea of looking up all the alzheimer's research that we're going to be studying in class so when it's mentioned in class I can hopefully contain myself with the not crying.
In reality I think this just means as well as crying now, later on when the information hits me afresh I can do it all over again, crying like I've never cried before.
Perhaps now would be a good time to send me to the outback, if we could get the salinity out of my tears I'd teach that drought who's boss.
Lame humour is obviously all I have right now.
The social worker called me again, I forgot to mention. It was during class and my phone was not on silent so I had to hang up really quickly. Threw the phone back in my bag, and couldn't go back to writing the notes because my hands were shaking so badly.
She's calling to see if I'm doing okay, and I'm not, so I'd rather not talk to her because every time I've seen her it mainly involved me crying massive amounts and in the end never feeling any better.
And that makes me feel useless too, all the crying, I know it's useless. But it isn't like there is a solution to our problems, there is no cure or even very effective treatment, there is no hope of recovery. This isn't like existential angst or body image problems or anything I've had to face before. Stuff that in actuality I didn't even manage to face, I just avoided it to death.
But this time the thing that's wrecking me is the time limit on her head. We could manage okay if this was the worst it got. But it won't be, things will degenerate and could go at any given moment. That's one of the hardest parts.
And so today leaves me with the sadly non melodramatic realisation that all the times I thought things weren't okay, they really weren't so far from it, and they'll never be that close to it again.
I should have ended it there. But... things don't ever stop when I finish an entry, so there's something more. My closest friends, they all rock very much, and I'm forever grateful to them. The old gang. Old skool. Word.
Okay, a little carried away. Just a tad.
But false prophets, they undo me, irk me, make me regret things I otherwise wouldn't have and make me insecure - none of which I can stand at all right now, so no more. No more.
